... cause she was cute and smelled nice and i temporarily lost any sense...her name was Sheila she had just come from visiting Hawaii where she was also selling magazines. It was just recently that one of her friends died in Hawaii from a beach accident...they were all theere to raise money to go to Japan. Other things I know about her... she wants to go to trade school and is taking a break from college...so at least she wasn't underage...haha..she does smoke...i saw the contents of her purse and saw ciggarettes but whatever she was wearing covered up the smell....i know a few more things but don't feel like listing everything...she told me i reminded her of a guy in Hawaii...

I didn't even care about the magazine or really want it...pathetic...falling into an obvious ploy and trap..i could see the trap, but walked in anyways...

She could have been selling wooden legs and I would have bought one...i am so weak and hate myself now...

On top of that she needed a ride somewhere and i had a rental so I ended up giving her a ride too....haha...and you know what i knew nothing would happen...but I didn't care...i realize now that once I get back from deployment perhaps I need to start dating again...seriously... i may want to date more than i realize...the worst is when you know the girl is using her friendliness to get a sale and is using what she has without crossing a line and well...on top of it I hope that it is true and i am generally nice and so i am like a sitting duck for friendly sales girls.

I had an opportunity to perhaps hookup amid all that crap that went on at the concert...a girl came up to me and offered me some gum and started talking...then i mentioned i was from hawaii and she got real interested...she also seemed drunk and so for some reason i didn't want to pursue it...i kind of lost track of her amid the crowd later on...she asked if I'd invite her to Hawaii...dumb me didn't reply and i think i hurt her feelings...i'm not used to girls coming on that strong...she was ok looking...not someone i would go out of my way for a date...but seemed nice and friendly...

Honestly sometimes if a girl who doesn't know me seems very interested in me I can't help but feel they've made a grevious error and don't really see me. It is weird every girl i ever went for has shot me down and not even given me a shot so in a way if a girl does the opposite and comes after me i can't help but think these girls for some reason don't see whatever the other girls who rejected me see..it's really messed up...

Obvious the rejections in my life have taken its toll and i have developed somewhat of a self image distortion problem..

I realize lately that my problem is that I have perfect opportunities to date but I often turn them down because i don't know them and feel a need for security...and that requires i get to know them which i don't get the opportuntiy to , so it never happens...ok i'm tired...i don't know i spend too much time for the perfect moment with the one that takes my breath away...perhaps i am throwing away moments to enjoy dating ..even if it isn't for love or just the moment...i've always thought I don't want just what's good for today, but for more than that...so it is hard...

Another thing I always feel that i am ok looking, but I often feel I don't have that look that girls find really attractive...i'm not hideous, but I often feel in womens eye i look normal and average... so in the end i don't think i can ever think i am too hot shit and get all cocky...honestly i wouldn't like myself if i did get all cocky and knew women wanted me...let me clarify that...i wouldn't mind women wanting me , i just wouldn't like myself if i got over confident cause i knew i could get what i wanted.

My life has been feeling very odd lately. Many odd occurences really... like life is trying to say something to me and honestly I don't know what to make of it all...

I tell myself I want specific things but as far as attraction sometimes it doesn't fit your search criteria... you could say i want a 5'6 brunnette who is shy, yet outgoing...is creative...does cute little things and makes heart notes, wears cute little emo glasses, paints for fun, likes to listen to different bands like Kings of convenience while reading sunday comics, is incredibly understanding and feels empathy and compassion for others like no other.... there can be all those things in your head...but as my brief and few actual relations have shown...all that goes out the window in actuality...you meet someone and you laugh and can talk and have an attraction and that seems like the only thing from your list that fits...nothing else necessarily line up and that makes you think...if when you kiss it wisks you away to another place...what difference does all that other stuff make and why do you bother to look for that in the first place. Yet there can also be that feeling which takes away from things in the long run...like when you talk...you realize you really don't like the same things and you realize you can't enjoy things you love most with the person your with...Perhaps that is where compromise comes in...or meeting people halfway. definetly time for bed.

One final thought which i got from last nights drive...why is it when people wish for anything they wish for objects like money or looks, or popularity...in the end doesn't the purpose of all that to simply make you happy...so why not just wish to be happy?

If all those things are what is really important for you to be happy...than maybe you will have them...if it isn't it skips out on all that and gets you what really will make you happy. So from now I don't wish for more money...a certain car...a better job...my dream girl....i just wish to be happy.