I hit and pushed a friend.

Friend might seem a relative term. This guy is not a bad guy, but he really hit the wrong button today.

While I was speaking and trying to make a point, he decided that I should stop talking and he covered my mouth with his hand so that I'd shut up.

I don't know why, but I had just snapped. I hit away his arm and pushed and hit him a few times.

I project such an easy going guy, who is who I am most of the time. People just don't really realize how emotional I am and how capable people are of hurting or affecting me.

I expend so much energy controlling myself and mostly 99% of the time I can fool everyone into thinking nothing affects me. I do it and I convince myself I am ok.

Today I wasn't able to. It bugs me that apart of me leaked out.

I realize that I am ashamed of my rage and anger. I truly don't want that part of me to ever to creep out, but it obviously is there.

There was no doubt today.

People think of me as harmless and underestimate me. People think I am soft. I have created such an imcomplete picture for these people.

Truth is that majority of people out there don't look at me very hard and take what I give them. They don't see the threads of me tucked away at the sides.

They obviously are far to self involved to see there is more.

When you look at another person do you take the time to even wonder if there is more?

I found that action, of covering my mouth as a very direspectful action. my loss of control was fueled by a few things.

I was tired of being stepped on, by a friend no less.

I needed for once to let it, leak out that it is not ok to do something like that to me.

I regret hitting him still, however there is no doubt I don't regret being upset.

So often in my job, I prove myself countless of times, yet for some reason people won't even listen to me.

I feel so insulted. I feel my intellegence being insulted and my abilities and action completely overlooked.

If someone who does what needs to be done, the right way, wouldn't you listen to them? Would you treat them as if they had no idea what they were talking about?

Would you not even listen to them? Would you make them feel like just words are coming out of their mouth, and not the message they seek?

I was telling them that someone was going to be busy and they wouldn't be able to get ahold of them. It was such a simple message, but people kept talking and planning as if I had not said anything.

It is no different than someone asking, "Where is John?" And having myself reply "He's behind that tree" and then having everyone ask other people " have you seen John." as if I didn't give the answer right then and there.

I am a very sane person, but sometimes I feel its the action of others that lead me to irrational moments.

I really hate letting such stupid things bother me and get to me.

I realize that my outrage was fueled by my pride. I hate being slapped in the face like that.

I hate being treated as if I were stupid or not there. I don't like to be questioned especially when I can prove I am right.

Don't get me wrong I didn't beat my friend to a bloody pulp or pummel him into remorse.

I am upset I am about losing that small amount of control, if even just minute amount.

I hate that part of an emotional state got the best of me by wrestling it's way out of my vice grip of emotional restraint.

I also realize that my anger was fueled not only by the action itself, but because there have been numerous times that my friends laziness has been rewarded or gone unpunished while I put forth greater effort only to face a barrage of scrunity and constant second guessing.

I make things sound so grand and epic and I realize they're not, however the simple fact remains this is how intensely It feels inside me sometimes.

That is how much action like the ones taken by people that are supposed to be friends hurt and affect me. I talked him afterwards and apologized only for hitting him but not for getting upset. I told him that I am letting this go, and I do mean it. I won't hold this incident against him or future interaction. I was wrong for hitting him but I let him know my feelings on the part he played in this. We're cool now. This entry is my last rant on the incident. Time to move on and let it go.