I tried to call my grandmother and her phone was disconnected. I haven't called her for a month and I already feel bad for that.

I have a bad feeling that something has happened. I hate to say it but, I sometime worry that I possess another sense which tells me something is wrong and guides me to finding it.

It's the feeling I had when my mother died. I just get this feeling that something is wrong. Not so direct, but I put myself in a position to find it. It's like luck but for bad things.

I'll call or try to get to thing I've lost and nothing tells me I've lost something, but I get drawn to find what I have lost and find that it's already gone. It's scary that I I find the loss without notice, but always too late to do anything or say anything.

Perhaps I am just really morbid and expect worse. Perhaps life and experience has conditioned me for this.

My grandmother is my last link to my mother. I do wish I had a stronger connection to that part of my family. I feel bad for my grandmother because she is all alone and she has made it evident to me that she is lonely and wants to be loved, just like most of us in life. Just wanting love.

I tried to be a good grandson, but I have dreams of a life of my own.

It didn't help that there is such division between her and my father, mostly in a fight over me. When my mother died, my grandmother put up a good fight for me.

My grandmother lost a daughter and in a sad way only had me. She played dirty and hurt my father.

My father never forgave her for that or things she did to add to the demise of his marraige to my mother.

God this sounds so dramatic.

It is a amazing i survived all this.

I talked to my step mom. She told me that she would go to the building and ask the resident manager if she was ok. I am going to fed ex a letter tomorrow morning asking her to call me or write me.

It is terrible being so far away for things like this.

I love my grandmother for all her faults and I wish I could fill that void that she feels in her loss, just as i felt that way with my mother.

I didn't realize how often I have come across others suffereing which was so much greater than my own and want to help, but realize that there was nothing for me to do.

My stepmom is doing well by the way. Her cancer treatment appears to be going well.

I hope for both their sakes it works this time.

I also forgot that my dad might also resent the fact that he feels my grandmother may have stolen my inheritance from my mothers life insurance policy. She had a policy and supposedly it was under my name but I was a minor at the time and my grandmother had access to the money.

I could be sitting pretty right now with that money, but honestly I don't really care about it or the posssibility that she might have taken it. The way I look at it, that money came from the death of my mother. I really wouldn't want such a gift at that cost. My grandmother lost her daughter, she might have needed it more to deal with her pain. It might not have been the answer, but it was an attempt perhaps she needed to make to deal with it all. For that I hope it did.

After my mother died, it changed me. I feared loss for a great part of my youth.

I don't fear it anymore. It made me stronger.

If something has happened I do hope my grandmother is at peace, alive or in another life. God that just sounded so morbid.

I just hope my Grandmother is good and not in any pain.

I called my friend but he wasn't home. Instead his mother picked up. I talked to his mother for 15 minutes. It's odd for me to just talk to my friends mother like that for so long, well 15 minutes is long for just hi how are you.

I have gotten a sense from reading my friends blog that he has been having problems dealing with his mother. He was doing so much and now he is back home. In many he is floundering as I have.

I can tell in the sound in his mothers voice that she really is worried as any mother would be about her baby boy. Problem is he is no baby. He is quite grown, but he is one of my longest childhood friends. He is floundering and I want him to be happy. I told her that as long as he finds something that makes him happy life, that is all that matters.

It might have helped her to hear that.

I didn't say anything directly.

I talked about how I was doing and how I feel as if I've found myself and some direction finally. I told her that her son had inspired me. I didn't tell my friend that, but he has. He went to Europe one summer, by himself in fact and just went backpacking by himself.

He did this thing called the JET program in Japan and was paid as a TA in Japan.

He did a lot of things I wanted to do but I got stuck at home with my ghosts.

Of course then Viva happened and the loss of her in my life spurned me to make some major changes in my life.

I took a chance and followed my gut. I decided if I was going to be stubborn and set in my ways I was going to try to make sure I did it my way.

So I joined the army, knowing that a great deal of what I still feared was here.

I knew I'd be shell shocked and uncomfortable.

I decided like a moth to flame, to make a dash at the flames.

And here I am.

I hope this stength I have now, stays with me when I deploy to Afghanistan.

It doesn't help talking to other soldiers and hearing the way it is in places like Afghanistan and even Iraq.

Who knows where else we'll be, Iran? North Korea?

America is fighting such a difficult battle.

America soldiers wear uniform which labels them as the target.

Every other element is a lot more unknown. I know when I go to Afghanistan I really won't know for sure that the boy who may come up to me might be coming to ask for a Coke a cola or intending to end my life.

I say this as my opinion only and not as a soldier,

I think George Bush is spreading Americas battles to wide. We are going to be fighting to many "Evil Doerers" as he has so named, which will hit us differently, but make no doubt, it will hit us hard because it is so much harder to see the enemy when they aren't wearing uniforms saying U.S.

He doesn't understand that might is not right and won't overcome all. Might...might overcome, but only with luck. Luck is never a given, so why take such a gamble. Why be so brash, when there is so much at stake.

I will never see him as a great leader, how can anyone when they don't have faith and don't show any wisdom.

What I see in the support of the troops in America is fear. I know people appreiate the troops, but we are a form of defense for this country, perhaps not the only or last, but a large defense for this country.

People fear for there children serving, but I think they fear for the country and the way things are.

Look at where we are as country. We are fighting others out of fear for ourselves. Oil is not the only reason to be in the middle east, fear is a reason. Of course Nuclear and biology warfare is a fear.

America has a growing number of enemies in the world. The US obviously has a bad PR problem. There is patriotism and love country here still. The world got a little meaner somewhere along the line.

The US is looking out for its interest, but everyone else doesn't like this.

America has a growing number of enemies and if they were ever to unite what would this spell for us all.

The US is spread all over the world. THe military is. Imagine trying to deal with Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, China, Korea, and who knows what other country want to jump in, oh wait, this future seems so much closer than any would like.

What scares me more is that I don't see the great men or women leaders out there to save us with their grace, insight and wisdom.

I see George Bush, and I am afraid. He is not the antichrist, but I have no faith he can improve things let alone fix things. There isn't that one great person out there like a Dr. King to inspire reason for peace. No one to hush peoples fears. People can do their worst when afraid. People want to be fulfilled and feel safe.

I focus on what I can do. The problems of today are so great. I would love have that person I could believe in. Some might say that that person exists in God.

I am not saying anything against it.

It'd mean more to me though if one among our own ranks could rise above it all. A human that could inspire the rest of us and make us believe. There are the little things that show humans redeaming value, but it would be so great to see more of it.

I am all over the place tonight, I know. I have a lot to think about and I just decided to unload everything at once.

I don't know why I feel all these things or worry about things so distant and far away.

I am not upset, I just think about things quite a bit. I desire so much out of life. That is when I realized I was happy to be alive. I have so many things to hope for. And with each thing that can come true, it is something to be happy for.

I don't fear dying anymore nor do I fear the loss of my loved ones.

It's going to happen no matter what I want. I can only control my feelings. I know I love the people in my life and I know I am alive.

And I still hope. My new hope is that people get better, if only one more person gets better, its one more than before. I hope lost friends find their way. I hope the people I love the most find lifes meaning for themselves and find peace in it all. I hope for politics to find itself more as a tool for peace. I hope for a greater enligtenment. I hope people find that moment of love and realize love exists and realize their own ability to give love.
I hope we all find love for ourselves and for life.