I am mature in some sitations and a complete preschooler on other things.
People keep asking me if I am affraid of leaving for the army. You know I feel almost arrogant for saying it but... no I am not afraid. I am excited and I am curious almost like someone who is about to get into a car accident and has no knowledge as to what is going to happen next. Somehow that excites me. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'm too stupid to know better.
The problem last year is that I felt so trapped and in a rutt. I feel completely different lately. I can't wait to take a bold trek into things that are completely different. My only concern about the army is that, I'm not sure if I am too out of the box, to mesh in this environment. I know a lot of people who don't try things, that they don't think they'd be good at or be happy in. My actions speak to the opposite. I sometimes just go a completely unjustified route, to hell what people say or think. To hell with my own preconceptions.
I am hoping that by trying something outside my realm of thinking that I may find something I didn't know I needed, or a direction I didn't know was there. I am hoping to find something from things that I don't know or perhaps don't understand. I want to be an explorer and the journey is in my life. There are things to dread and worry about but that is something in all life. I don't feel like letting that stop me... so no, fear doesn't creep in. I am aware that soldiers are dying in Iraq, I know that soldiers out there are committing suicide. Life hangs in the balance, but it always does we just don't see it. I guess I really feel that death will come whether I am ready or not. It won't be in my control though. I won't wait up so to speak, for it to happen.
I have to say that I found my stride recently. I can't wait to go to be honest. My only frustrations recently has been not going yet. I almost feel somewhat tied down. I feel ready, really ready to take some risks and try new things. I feel ready to take off.
My old job is sort of grinding my feelings of momentum out of me sometimes. I can tell I am not happy there. If I had stayed there for a couple of years, I think I might have died inside. I was really dying inside these last few years. It was so slowly but I know, as corney as it might sound, that pieces of me were slowly dying.
I look at Viva now and it is something so different. I am happy I'm not with her, in fact I am so happy to be single!!! I think the best thing was that I got my lovesickness out of my system. I had it and I got crushed but I really healed well and my time alone really showed me what wonderful things single life holds for me. I am not swearing love and relationships off, but there are a lot of great things I could never see because I always made myself think how much I wanted it and how much I couldn't live without it. I am greatful for love when I had it and I have no doubts for myself that I can love someone, and yes it's one of the best feelings. But why cry when it's gone and not around. I don't doubt it will find me again. I will be grateful when lighting strikes twice.
I really overlooked the great freedom singlesness has. When you are one, it is so easy to move about. Coupledome has it's perk but at some point of your life you have to really live and not be an appendage to someone elses life. You have to be selfish and just do what you want. You don't have to worry about what the other people are doing but really think about where you want your life to be and maybe do something.
I don't know if I am the most self dilluted person who loves himself a little too much. It's not about what I have survived because we've all survived things in our lives, I'm just happy about my life and the fact that I am living it and not regretting it. I am glad I have options and choices. I am happy I can try things and can laugh. It's not from God, or money, or even sucess. If Life is a gift from God, I am just enjoying it.
I don't know if I am really coming through clearly I just feel happy to be alive I guess and happy to be me. And I know times will cause me to falter and I will question myself once again but I know somehow I will find my way back. The struggle and back and forth of it all really used to take it out of me. I don't know I think I really accept things that I can't change and have slowly learned how to live through things.
Alright it's late and I am babbling. Always babbling, and thinking too much but hey that's me.