You know I find myself thinking of her at times. The very person I am over sometimes just slips into thought. It really was working for me and I was genuinely happy and comfortable. It more or less filled up the empty parts of me and it kept me quite occupied, maybe that's what I miss. I spend so much of my time on this diary and with things that aren't in any immediate relation to my life as it stands. I have become such an escape artist.

I am so needy as well. Needy of comfort, antention and affirmation. All the things a child needs, yet I am very much not a child. I am no more a child trapped in a mans body as a certain MJ. Yet I live nowadays, such a self centered lonely existance, where the internet and television are my friends. The rest of the time I play the role of comforting and sometime goofy friend, to some parttime friends.

Appart of what is truly making my job hard to bear is, that I can no longer deal being around people... just so many people. I don't have any major or direct phobias, but I sense the stress and tensions whenever I am amids the crowds. To add to it, Christmas is forthcoming.

I am so scared of what will lie ahead for me when I report for duty in the army. I stopped training completely and I know I probably have gained some weight. By all accounts I should be running and excercising everyday. I found out though , I can still switch branches or even get out of my delayed entry enlistment.

I hear so many oppinions on the matter. In the end though, I know I have to follow my own heart on the matter. I have this feeling that this is where I should go. I am afraid to go though. It's odd that I'd charge into a path that scares me but right now I think it's the right one. I am not so afraid of dying really, it's really stupid. I am stupid for really having this fear of getting hurt and terribly disfigured. I am afraid of losing an arm or being terribly scared by burns throughout my body. I see these stories and I know I'd wish to be dead instead of that.

I look at the people that come away from this and overcome this great tragedy in their lives, and I know I don't possess the same strength. Perhaps the strength I see in others is something I deny in myself. I saw this news story and and what happened to this guy totally scared me to my core. There is no doubt in my heart that I believe he is a far better man than I.

I don't know why my senses tell me that something of that sort lies before me. Perhaps it's the internal pessimist running wild in my mind. In my life the things that I truly fear often come to fruition and if my life is any indication, I seem to do a great deal of losing and percerveiring. The only good that ever comes from it are the experiences I walk away with and the lessons about myself that I learn.

I might not make any sense. Anyone who truly feels this way and has all these fears doesn't have any business pursuing this path.

I don't know about myself sometimes. I truly hope this journalist position really comes to some fruition. I hope I get to write and I hope that if i don't, it will lead me to an opportunity to do so. I hope my fears don't consume but make me a better person.