Viva called me and we sort of had an argument. We're not going out anymore but she told me she wanted to be my friend. She can't be around me apparently because whenever she's around me appart of her wants to be with me and that whole mess again. I am a little frustrated because I am trying to be her friend and I gave her space and I just want to go out and have some fun with her. I told her I wanted to go out and have some fun as a friend with her because I have a little under 6 months till I ship out and I won't be living here for some time. I really want to make the best of the time I have left here.

Maybe she isn't ready but will she ever be? I am just tired of all this. Can't I have any friends? Doesn't anyone just want to hang out and just enjoy each others company. It'd be easier is she would just leave me alone to forget about her, but she keeps popping in just enough to torment me. We argued because I got tired of placating the truth of how I feel she treats me. She is honestly the worst at listening to the truth and seems to always want me to put this show on for her. I am glad to be out of the romantic relationship with her. I never want to be with someone that I have to put my performance skills on for. Even my whole bisexual revelation really seemed to derail our relationship when I first told her. After seeing her reaction I realized I had to quickly shovel that revelation under the carpet and never speak of it again.

I look at how weak and hippocritical I had become while I was with her. I used to advise Stacy to leave the married man she was seeing because he was using her, and wasn't treating her fairly. I understand so much more how easy it is to let people you think you are in love with use you. I look back now and I regret how black and white I saw situations like that with other people. Experiencing that weakness I see I am no better in falling into lifes traps.

She isn't all bad and there are things and reasons why I care about her, but I don't care any longer to make her my lifemate, I simply want to be her friend. At the same time I might have to accept that the friendship for the time being is unsalvagable and I should stop trying to fix something that may not be in my power to fix.

I went to the beach today on my day off. I sunbathed for an hour and I just swam and floated in the water for about another hour. I felt people watching me cause I was by myself just floating about in the water for an hour. I swim about in the water just as I did as a child. I often spend time alone, swimming and diving, to sort of just let my thoughts wander.

It's funny, when I got out my hands were majorly prunish. I actually have to drag myself out of the water. I really didn't want to leave ever. I am a water child. I never want to leave the cold and quiet water.

If I could exist as something other than human, i would want to exist as music playing underwater right beneath the spectrum of the suns rays.

I realize when it comes to love, I simply don't want to fear that I will lose them. I don't want to worry about mortality catching up with us, I don't want to worry they will leave me. I hear stories about people one day just leaving, people that are married. If I get married, I want to do everything short of death to work on it. If I commit to someone I want to honor that vow and keep trying. I am not sure where this is coming from. I think talking to my ex's and just listening to sad love songs are simply affecting me.

Chestine is my other ex. She was my friend and was something that both of us realized wasn't really a the romantic love either of us were searching for. We both knew so when it came time to step away we both were able to do so without it affecting our friendship. As I have mentioned a few times, it sort of just two lonely friends trying something and finding it was only a momentary connection feeding off our friendship. It's cool though cause we often talk and when she's in town we hang out.

It's late, 3:00 am. I should get to bed. I don't know I feel tired , and I feel like I'm rambling. And my sentences don't seem very clear, probably cause I am getting really tired. Ok bye then.