I need to find other work in the meantime. I am working 37 plus hours the next 3 weeks, and I need an additional 20 hours to fill up my days. God that sucks. That is what my other option was, if I didn't go into the army. Who knows how many years of 60 plus hours I needed just to make ends meat and pay for school.

Sometimes I really hate my stepmother. She told me yesterday, they could have helped me out easily and paid for my school but they prefer I do it this way. I hate that she has to rub it in that things could be easier for me but they aren't. It still pisses me off that she called me spoiled. Oh yeah, I'm spoiled... so spoiled that I decided to join the army just so that I could propel myself forward since things weren't going well.

I am really upset tonight, not sure why, maybe this is my true feelings surfacing. I know this is bad but I found myself wishing I'd die in the army and I would leave them a note saying... thanks for all your help...I'm sure I learned a great deal from my struggles... to bad I'm dead. I know that is really dick and childish, but perhaps I really have some issues with them that I will get off before I go.

I guess it's the realization that they constantly feel it's necessary for me to learn these "lessons", when sometimes I could just use a hand. It's like if I was hanging on a cliff and instead of giving me a hand they give me a book to read on how to get myself out of the situation. Of course you can't read the damn thing because you are in the midst of falling. I am getting older but I'm tired of always having things come so hard. I feel I have lived my entire life struggling and I don't want to every ounce of my will to live drained out of me, when they could help. I want to die sometimes and let them know they had the power to help me, even a little, and instead of helping they helped bury me.

Ok perhaps this is the wrong attitude to have. I am just really upset tonight and I feel like I'm riding a wave of suppressed resentment

Well I am doing things on my own and doing everything I can to propell myself out this hole I've dug for myself. God I'm really pissed tonight. All my life I've felt alone in the struggle, just like when my mom passed away and I was screaming outside the door, and no one came outside to see if I needed any help, that honestly feels like the overal tone set in my life. I will always cry out for help and it will always fall on deaf and unhelpful ears. I guess I am hurt because I know the people in my life that are supposed to care the most about me, torment me the most. My mother, my stepmother, and my father, my ex all people who are supposed to love me the most in one way or another rob me of any joy and want to live. Being alone on a deserted island seems like the most peaceful existance...no one to let you down and drag you down. Fuck Them!!!