The question is should I even try. Here's the thing. I can't say what we've been talking about since I promised but let me just say I think I may have a chance.

Oh yeah, she made me promise not to even write in my journal, which sucks because i have always been able to say anything.

I know though if I pursue this course it will be long and emotionally draining.

The problem is that we have such chemistry and history and in all honesty our relationship ended for no reason other than she just decided it was over.

I started to move on but then while we were trying to be friends things seem to still be kindling, I know she still feels it. The question is what about Josh??? Her other man...

Maybe I should just pick up and move on, but I don't know if I can do that. Why can't love be simple for me? Why can't the woman I love, love me and want to be with me.

She calls me and almost all our conversations return to our relationship, and the problem is that throughout our relationship we were really happy and have a lot of good memories in the span of month so of course we are both sad that we aren't together. It seems almost impossible to keep this mutual friendship going when everything screams we're more than that. Before we broke up, well before she began departing from what we had, I was going to plan a special romantic night for her. There is this spot by the ocean where there are no city lights where we went when she broke up with her ex and needed me to comfort her. I took her there and it really helped her. I was going to wisk her away to the spot with a homecooked picnic under the moonlight in the reflection of the crashing waves. Last time we went we had no jackets or things to keep us warm. I warmed her. This time I was going to bring this nice sweater she had gotten for me and have it for her. I was going to lay a nice blanket for her to sit on with a special dinner I made for her. It started to end when she canceled last minute so she could go hang out with Josh while we were seeing each other. That was the start of the end. I kept telling her I had this surprise for her, for a week and I never got to unveil it for her.

She asked me about what my surprise was...I told her about it and she seemed really moved and asked me why I never told her about that. I told I had all that planned because I wanted to show her that I would always do all I could to sweep her off her feet. She got real quiet, I don't know if she is regreting it. She asked me if I thought that she had made a mistake of ending our relationship so abruptly. I was honest and told her I did think so and I truly believed with more time we'd have found more. she jumped ship and told me herself she was affraid she was stepping away from something that made her happy. Her answer also is that with this other guy she's happy. The problem is we were happy. She just gave up on it for no reason and that is what hurt. Along with that it made me feel so lame and unlovable.

Perhaps I just have to get over it already. I don't know though. When you think with your feelings it doesn't always turn out well. I am a man of heart. Everything goes through it, the pain and the joy.