Viva called me today and she has been something I have been thinking about. Her tune has more or less changed. Apparently my, our love, is now the working of my imagination. Isn't it always though.

She said she really misses spending time with me, but only as a friend. She wants to hang out.

I have been keeping away and too myself. Truth be told I am a little angry. Honestly I think she simply misses all the attention I gave her. I can't be her friend. I am not sure why not but I just can't I am so upset for wanting her still. I worked with her tonight and I decided to let up on the feelings of heartbreak and try to act if nothing is bothering me. I found that there is still some chemistry and that frustrates the hell out of me. Has anyone ever broken up or seperated and still feel the magic. THe overal relationship obviously spells doom for my emotions if I got back in but how can I deny the feeling of magic.

To some degree ignoring it goes against my very being. I realized that deep down I am holding onto this small grain of hope. Somewhere deep down I am hoping that we will still get back together.

It's a far fetched though.

I sort of have lost a little momentum from a couple of days ago. I've been spending a lot of time with my family. A good and bad thing, as most people might feel about spending more time with their families.

An old friend has returned for a visit. I plan to see him 2morrow which I am looking forward to.

Sometimes lately I think girls can be really selfish. That might be true, however I do realize there is a great deal that makes it worth it for a man or anyone. All people are selfish perhaps.

I really don't know though when I will be better and over all this. It sort of comes and goes really.

Tonight I went out running. It helps a little. I don't think it's healthy though that I have such poor and non existant relationships with people. What happened? Honest to god, I think all my relationships faded because I got tired of 1-way relationships where I put so much effort into it and saw no effort on their ends. I got tired of being the Martyr in my friendship and being the bigger person.

When I really think about it, it's that Martyr in me that often thinks about death. It's the thing inside that lets all the hurt caused by others get to me. It's my deep wish to hurt all those who told me they cared and didn't. It's the part of me that wants to be the reflection to them of their lack of heart.

Deep down, that is the part of me I hate and the part of me I must defeat. I am the only one that can save myself.