I think I am a strong person but I think I do need encouragement. I got it and I feel so much better. My thoughts have turned from feeling sorry for myself to making myself so much better, Viva will only regret the day she passed up on me. As far as my heart is concerned it is a closed door. If it ever were to reopen things would have to be so different and the person would have to really convince me that something like that wouldn't happen again.
I am not going to lay down and play dead any longer. I am going to be stronger and better.
I don't know I feel like running a lot. I am on a personal high. I have myself so syked up right now.
My new goals:
So far in this week I lost the weight I gained with while with Viva. Now I am going to loose more and get leaner and trimmer.
I quit one of my 2 jobs. Well I quit 2 weeks ago and today was my last day. It bumbed me out that no one had anything planned for me but who cares. Actually I worked at that Library since June of 97. That is 1997. I was so sick of that job you have no idea. I could sleep my way through that job. I was so stagnant there. So I shed some of my past which actually felt good.
Things are going great with my family for once and I feel there love and support. And I want to give back with anything I can do to help.
I do need to find a new job. I wanted to switch to Full time on my other job.
My new goal is to leave the job I am at for a better job. My father really struck in me that I need to change my boxed in view of my source of income. Part of my woes come from the fact that I am limiting my choices to low paying jobs. I need to find something that I can move up that offers a chance to move up. My father is right. He also made me realize I need to rethink college and finishing right now. I need to find something that works and accept the things in my life that just aren't working.
I feel I have some new direction and i don't feel things are so impossible to change. I don't know if this determination to change and bring change into my life will change. I just feel some renewed momentum.
Ok back to my father. My father told me about the details of my childhood that I wasn't aware and the struggles of his own life when I was a we little babe.
When my father got divorced to my mother, I was 1. They had been married 2 years. My father paid for two expensive weddings with my mother and my first stepmom. He had huge debts from credit cards and the costs of having a relationship and a wife. Then I came along and additional cost came in. When my dad got divorced, he had no money plus he had to pay $200,000 to my mom and $300,000 to my first stepmom. My father had to sell the house and got nothing. On top of that my father paid my mom alimony for me. When my mother passed away, non of that money was ever recovered. My mother had a life insurance policy which I have not ever seen a cent of nor has my father. With both marriages he made bad choices and was left heavily in debt. My father told me about having to ask a lot of people in his life for money. Especially after my mom passed away and he had to take care of me. My father told me about how he owed so many of his friends 5, to 10 grand to pay all these debts. Then later a friend of my dad a lawyer told him he should declare bankruptcy. He refused because he was determined to pay everyone back. That is the kind of man my father is. When he and my stepmom divorced my father was $100,000 in debt and he had me to take care of and we had no home. We actually stayed with people and moved around for months.
My dad was so stressed and he was so hard on me. He was at the breaking point. I was young and had lost so much too. That wasn't the ideal atmosphere for a child who in a year lost 2 moms. A biological mom and a stepmom with a father in huge debt. I think my relationship with my father is so strained because he was so hard on me cause things were so stressful that I almost hate myself for being such a failure now. I felt so tired of being drilled by my father to be something.
He wanted and expected so much from me. I don't think anyone how hard he pushed me in school. I was so remedial at a young age because my mom didn't force me to go to school. But I caught up to a degree. It was so hard because for so long I wasn't even close to being good enough. My whole life has been this struggle. I realize that is why each loss seems so dramatic because I just have lost a lot.
The worst was the custody battle between my mom's mom and my dad. My father believes she has all the money that was supposed to be left to me. I always believed that perhaps my mom blew it on drugs. I don't know. She tried to take me away from my father and it was so ugly. My father made me choose between them and I was so angry at him for so long because I had to choose not to see my grandmother. Eventually he let up but he always made me feel so bad for wanting to see her. He told me he had become so angry that she was trying to take me away and that she was the person who got the money. He told me he was hurt and bitter that I never got any of that money for school or just to help me start off. He felt I deserved a lot more.
I realize have been too hard on him during my life. He has given so much and tried to protect me so much. He pushed me so hard. So much so I do know my capabilities and I realize I haven't been living up to them on my own. When we are in a car he will always put his arm in front to hold me back if we stop suddenly. I see where my want to give to those I love come from. I see the bond my father and I have. We try so hard to protect and care for the ones we love. And we really allow ourselves to be vulnerable. And if we get shafted we both feel this enormous hurt and are deeply affected.
I am determined not to let all my hurt feelings slow me down. Not anymore. My debts are minor compared to my fathers. I realize my situation is not as hard and I can do something.
My father conquered his debts and paid back everyone he owed. He didn't declare bankruptcy and paid everyone back. My dad truly is my inspiration. THat is what he gave me. Advice and hope.