Ok... I am also a closet Trekkie. I like Star Trek. I draw the lines at conventions. I only enjoy watching. That sounds dirty. Anyways, it was about the character Data and his creation of his new android daughter Lal. Don't ask me why I began crying, my emotions are somewhat frayed and I am afraid I might break into tears at any moment. The thing is I've seen this episode a few times already. There was this one moment where the guest actor explains to everyone that Data wasn't able to save his daughter from a malfunction. It was at the moment where he descibes Data's struggle to save her and at the end he couldn't. The actor then said, "It just wasn't meant to be." It was then I just lost my cookies and started to ball. Sometimes I feel like an over Estrogenized woman, watching the Lifetime channel eating a barrel of Jamoca Almond Fudge...it's really sad. I am sad.

I am trying to keep my spirits up and joke about it to myself.

I had work with Viva tonight. God, I understand now, never date coworkers.

Her "NEW" Boyfriend Josh came in. He is kind of ugly and looks rather brutish. I have no idea what kind of guy he is, but I heard the girl who set the spiral of my relationship in motion, Jannelle, mention her brother was coming into the store all stoned. I wonder if Viva is into doing pot now. I have never been into drugs because my mother was the mother of abusers and left me motherless because of it. I know I choose the straight and narrow when it comes to my experiences with drugs. I actually saw in my life that drugs don't numb the pain enough. They may do it for a while but only dealing with your feelings or death will leave you feeling better or numb or feeling nothing at all.

I walk more and use my car less. Since I lived on the street of my childhood. The childhood of neglect, it sometimes adds to my depression and despair. I am trying my hardest to use all my pain, harness it as best I can.

My father told me, "You know what is sad, your greatest strength is your greatest weakness." I think it is my heart and feelings that he is referring to. I feel hard and hurt hard. Or perhaps my childlike naievity (sp?)

You know the worst part is, my fucking imagination is running away with itself. I keep imagining her laughing and I keep seeing her in my heart with him and being happy. I keep seeing it in my mind, her holding hands with him and kissing and worse. And it just kills me. Stop thinking like that Grant. Great now I'm speaking in 3rd person.

I will try to end on a good note. The guys I worked with could see that I am not doing to well. They invited me out to go drinking with them. I don't know if they will ever realize it, but that single act of kindness means so much to me. Just an invitation, an offering of support, it means so much. I want to give back a piece of my heart back in return for their kindness. It's true though with me, I appreciate and notice the little things; good or bad.