Tonight we sort of went at it. She eventually called me back and I said most of what I needed to say. I made her tell me she didn't love me.

She finally said it.

I felt like such a fool. I knew that it is bad to get involoved with someone who just recently broke up with someone. I saw myself throw everything out the window because I was, and am in love.

This other guy perhaps is not the problem. I feel like a fool though, all the signs were there that she didn't feel the same way. But I wouldn't see them. I loved her so much that even our differences were things I saw as small things that since I loved her so much I'd work around. She didn't feel that way at all.

I do feel decieved on certain levels because there was a time and a moment that we both were very happy and I really meant it when i told her that I loved her and that I would be happy to have this on a more permanent level in the future : meaning that I could see spending my life with her. She looked into my eyes, I remember, and she smiled and she whispered she could too.

How things can change in the matter of weeks. She wants us to be friends and she seems pretty adamant about being upset if we can't be friends. I don't know how I can convey that it isn't easy being friends right now. I wasn't able to get through to her that her actions were hurting me. She of course was defensive. I told her I didn't want her guilt, I wanted her to see how I felt and if she really did care just to be aware and help me out and do the understanding thing. She believes she has been loving and supportive.

It really comes down to seeing things differently and I can't make her see my side any more than she can make me see hers.

I told her that in the end I did want her to be happy even if it wasn't with me. I meant it, but i think she thought it meant free pass and smooth sailing. Of course that is not true. There are without a doubt going to be hurt feelings, she is naive to believe I can promise no hard feelings. The intention of the promise was to share that in the end I wish only for her happiness, I couldn't promise she'd be happy nor that I would be all smiles.

I don't know anymore. THe thought that keeps running through my head, I am so stupid. I am so stupid to fall in love so easily. I am so stupid for treading through love with such little protection. I am so stupid for feeling hurt when all the warning signs were there for me to see.

This was worse than Stacy. Especially because I was supposed to have learned something from being used. It didn't even seem like it. I know any truth of how I feel seems only to make Viva more angry and harder to communicate with. I can tell I have become such a downer in her life.

She actually told me out of anger she looks at him and looks at me and she's happier with him. I felt like killing myself right then at the moment.

She told me too, that I'm to different for her liking and that she has more in common with this other guy. I don't know anyone who can't love hearing that over and over again.

Perhaps what people say is true though, what you fear most about what people won't like about you will eventually come to haunt you. Who knows perhaps I somehow made this all happen.

I don't understand where still being friends comes in now. I am in no emotional state to be anyone's friend. I have to make sure I don't jump off a cliff I'm such a mess.

I know I can get over this, it's just right now in this moment, I can't help feel another false alarm at happiness. Just like last week when I got a call saying I won a $100.00 dinner than having it taken away because I don't make enough, thus my life feels like that. I was convinced I had found love and someone I wanted to spend my life with and then shown how very wrong I was.

I will say this, I really don't know if she really loved me. Only she will know that. I don't know if she really needed that substitute boyfriend or someone that cared enough. Perhaps now that she has found someone she is more into she can lean on him. I just felt like a used car. Good enough till the one you wanted came in.

Like i said though, it's my fault. I chose to be that used car.

On another note, once the conversation ended I couldn't sleep. So I picked up this book i had from Highschool that recently has continuously fallen off my shelves. I remember picking it up and I decided after I had stopped crying that I'd try reading. THe book is ironically "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl.

It talks about his experience in Nazi Death Camps, and basically through all his struggles he describes life in not only a biographical but also a pschological approach as well. So far in about 2 hours I read about 60 pages.

It actually has helped me, reading this now, many years later. I read it in highschool and to be honest I don't even remember reading it. I was thinking that perhaps the changes in my life now make me more receptive to the words in this book.

I don't know. That is all I can come up with right now.