Lately there seems to be a lot of firsts.

Not those kinds silly. But there are a lot of moments where you realize you've never shared your time with someone in this particular way.

I used to go running with the previous person I was dating.

I was trying to jazz up the 11:30 pm run by acting all crazy and doing jumping jaxx while running. You know, just being a plain goofball. I was cracking jokes and she started to laugh. She told me afterwards to stop.

Apparently my joking around gave her some chest pains.

We were running around this really small park area called Thomas Square. Anyways we started to walk around a bit. I wanted her to take it easy but she started to jog again. We got to a point where she knew I slowed down my own run because I was pretty worried about her. She told me to try to lap her once. So I did. I began to sprint and try to lap her brisk walking pace.

Unfortunetly this is only day 2 this week of my new jogging routine. I'm not exactly back into shape. I was only able to sprint half the way. I ran around the park 2 times. I had thought I'd at least come close to lapping her. Unfortunetly I couldn't see her. This park also had a restroom which with each passing run I noticed a lot of men lingering in the area.

My fist thought is that this was some kind of watering hole so to speak or something. There were more and more dark figures in the park as I ran around it. As the moments progressed I regreted not just staying with her more.

So I began to really push myself, hoping I'd catch up to her or at least get a better glimpse. I was really worried that perhaps she had collapsed or worse grabbed by one of the dark figures in the park. I looked all around as I sprinted. Eventually I decided to just run the park backwards. I eventually came across her.

I ran myself so hard that my arm actually grew kind of numb out of this tingly sensation.

I can tell afterwards that my fear for her safety bothered her a bit. She puts this front up that she can take on anything and doesn't want any one worrying about her. At the same time I seem very well cast to play the role of the man destined to loose all he loves.

It's a bad mix, I worry to much she doesn't want anyone's worry.

As I watch her sleep on the couch next to my computer I realize what a change in my life she's made. This may sound like incessant love drama I am spewing but I really care about her.

I really have genuine concerns about her health. I respect her choices in however she chooses to live but at the same time I want to make sure she's still around to enjoy life. I haven't forgotten about the night she collapsed at work. I still haven't forgotten about the trip to the Dr.'s that I accompanied her to where she told me her other possible complications regarding her Kidneys and about the Dr. suggesting a Kidney Biopsey which she passed on.

I understand that she doesn't want to hear some things. I want her to be around though. I want to be selfish and make sure she's ok and we can spend more time together.

I think this is like week 3 in our dating but not dating relationship and already I feel like it's been such a rollercoaster ride.

And of course her Lupus can flare up at any moment and make her more sick.

I know she doesn't want to be with someone to look over her. She wants to feel normal and to just live without having to be reminded of all her health issues. I have to do better or not being such a worry wart and showing it.

I'm looking at her and I can tell she's dreaming and in a state of rem by the way her eyes are moving in her sleep.

This is what I hate about myself... I hate that with the people I love the most, the thought that seems to consume me is that I am going to loose them, to means that I have no control over. I know where all this stems from but I never have had control over this fear. I hate in life that no matter how much you love someone or want something for someone else, just the wanting itself can't be contributed to the person you have those hopes for. It can never change things.

THere are a lot things I have no control over. I don't have any control in my relationship and that obviously drive me nuts. I can't control how I act or react to things. At this point maybe I need to stop being so over analytical and just try and enjoy the moment.