Viva seems in complete control over the tempo of this relationship. I want some control. We kiss only when she wants to. When I am trying to focus she wants to kiss.

She seems ill the other half of the time and it seems like there is only drama and hand holding. I can't be one way, I can't have my life be completely dissrupted for a one way relationship. I hate it that when we start kissing she always stops no more than a minute into it. I hate that when it seems like she is just tasting some enjoyment it all stops. I want more of a rhythm. This stop and go is really annoying the hell out of me. I can sense myself growing bitter.

It's not about sexual frustration because I don't care if we don't have sex for a long time. I hate that I have no power in the intimacy department. I hate that is stops minutes after it begins. I hate this dissassociated pattern. It feels so dissjointed. I want more flow. I feel as soon as i get started it stops. I think you get the point.

I am worried I won't be able to keep up my tolerance. I sense my patience leaving me. I know if I say something now it will scare her away. She'll take this reason of rejection and run.

I want things to be simplier. I want to lay there and just kiss until our lips can't kiss. I hate that sometimes when we are in the moment it is ok to touch her and sometimes its not. I hate when I look at her and tell her she's beautiful she pulls away. I hate that she doesn't believe me. And I am tired of her not trusting me when I have never hurt her. I am sick of being in relationships where I pay for everyone elses mistakes when I have made none. I can't pull trust out of her and I am giving her everything I have to gain it and she won't trust me. It is utterly frustrating. I needed to vent this out.