I have taken ill. My body is starting to turn against me now. I mentioned I had a rash earlier. Well it was an allergic reaction to something I ate. The Dr. said it was mostly caused by a chemical in the meat or seafood I ate in the past weeks.

So I have been taking stuff for it since Wednesday night.

Well in the last few day I have noticed that I started bleeding again when I went to the bathroom. It could be caused by a number or reasons. Stress being one obvious reason, the other could have to do with the meds.

At work today I had to go to the bathroom I'd say 3 or 4 times in the course of 8 hours. Now this is not becoming a bowel movement journal, however each movement so to speak produced a great deal of blood. I know I should see a Dr. about this and I have but it has always gone away after a few days. It's been absent for almost 6 months. The weird part is I noticed I wasn't feeling right when my right leg calf started cramping for no reason.

By the end of work I had turned bright red as if I had gotten sun burned and I felt a tremendous increase in body heat. My head was pulsating and my heart began to beat quickly. I am not sure what is going on. To add to it, Viva told me at work that she saw her Ex and now he wants to get back together. He said he made a mistake, however he's still with this other girl.

I got upset inside when she told me that she still wanted to be with him but the fact that she was with the other girl made her not want to. I then thought to myself, well what about me? Do I even affect this decision?

Honestly I am not cut out for this right now. I love this girl but I have actually learned to respect myself. I am not going to fall on the bloody blade of heartbreak Viva is setting herself up for.

I realize that I know what I want. She doesn't. During this relationship I really felt my strengths for the first time and I see where I am still weak. I feel though I've made more progress and have matured immensely from the last relationship I had.

I still need to work on sharing my life and adjusting it to work within the different dynamics of each relationship. I've also learned that not every like can be custom built into every relationship you're in. Meaning just because she's not into the same things or not all the same things doesn't mean it can't work.

On the stronger side I realize I am not have bad alone either. I am highly capable of being alone and not as bad at dealing with the loneliness as I thought. I also realize I am not so affraid that I have to jump into the first girls arms I see just to alleviate my loneliness.

I see the great amount companionship has to offer and I don't plan on living a hermit by choice but I won't regret it either.

On the other con side I see I have a great deal to learn to balancing my time and priorities when in love. I am the worst type of romantic. I allow my life to be flipped over and I do get frustrated when things start falling apart.

I am not bitter, frustrated at the moment, but actually pretty together.

I got a good 4 hours of sleep after work and awoke hungry and still very hot and overheated. I am not sure I should take anything. The pulsating has gone. I did eat and it did help.

I feel oddly detached from my emotions or rather my fantasy side. I haven't really felt very inspired lately and music and even this diary seem rather hollow these last few days. I do worry now that I've lost something for the moment. I feel some of it inkling back during this night alone.

I have decided that i am going to have a serious discussion with Viva. I don't want to hurt her but I don't like being this strong dependable rock for her when the person she appears to want to be with is only going to hurt her.

This is my deal. I think until she gets her shit straight I am going to cease of physical relationship. With that out of the way I won't have any issues with that, and it will make it easier for me to function as a friend. Believe it or not I have incredible will.

I will hang out with her but for real I don't want to be "SUBSTITUTE BOYFRIEND" or the stand in. I am going to tell her for the time being I am choosing to be her friend. And if she really wants me and to be with me, and is ready I'll be around. But for me this route must end. I don't want to set myself up to be dissapointed or trounced on once again. I don't feel it's necessary for me to give myself more reason to beat myself over loosing the girl or not being good enough for love. I believe I deserve not only to be loved but to be in a great and loving relationship. God I sound like an inspirational speaker or something but that is how I feel, oddly enough. God it is hot. I thought earlier that I might actually pass out for the first time. Perhaps I should go back to bed.