There is a lot of non instant gratification that comes with being in love. There is the love and support you can get that you don't always see. There is the knowledge that you share something very special with someone. And there is the discovery that you are no longer the same after love.

I have found that with Viva. And though she can't commit to me and may break my heart, I truly love her enough to take this journey to see where our future leads. I sense the possibility for love and that is a start. I feel love for her no question. I was attracted to her from the feelings in my gut, I didn't force it and it came naturally. I need to be patient and not allow myself to do a foolish thing to wreck things.

My family life hasn't been very good lately. Viva felt guilty about the whole locked out incident and apologized against my wishes. I know Viva has nothing to be sorry for. I am sorry she got dragged into my problems with my parents. I didn't want her to endure what I've endured for a lifetime. They were out of line. I went through a whole gauntlet of feelings after tonights events. I flashed back to pain of experiences past, and I went through anger of experience present. I have wanted to retaliate against them.

They have a way to disarm you with all your weaknesses so that by the time you want to confront them you no longer feel able to or have the right too.

I truly have come to the decision that I don't want this continue for me or Viva. So it ends. I am going to have a talk with them.

I am going to tell them how I truly feel. There was one moment I was going to truly end my life. It was right before I moved out. They may love me and want the best for me. But there very natures tear me down and don't make me any better. I am going to tell them this. I am going to admit to every shortcoming and tell them that despite all this I never felt a grain of support I truly longed for. I am going to tell them that though they have bailed me out in the past that what I want more than that is their support and understanding. I am going to stress that. I realize my demands are all one way and I have to give them something, however I am going to point out that I can never meet them halfway if they don't meet me. They have all the leverage in the world to use against me. I am going to go up against that. I don't know how I'll do this time but I love Viva too much to put her through my life's drama.

I deserve better.

I am not angry but I realize that they are often upset that I don't connect with them as a family, but the very reason I run away from them is because I can't take them making me hate myself so much when I am with them. I have no wish to die but when I am with them I wish I was dead. That is not how it is supposed to be. I have always held back these feelings. I always told myself that I didn't want to hurt them as I felt I had been hurt. It's time to let all this go and do something, even if I loose it all.