I want to be with Viva so much, but the fact that she isn't ready and also the truth that I have to pay for the mistakes of her ex sort of got to me.

I tell her I love her a lot, truth is I mean in it. I share with her all the things I think. I get frustrated when that trust isn't returned. I haven't given her any reason to not trust me. We went somewhere that gave her really bad vibes. It bothered me because I asked earlier if she wanted to go there and she said that's fine. I love this lookout cause it's so beautiful and I wanted to enjoy it with her. She told me she needed to leave this space after my long drive up there. I was startled and wanted to know why. She couldn't and wouldn't tell me anything. I am bothered because she told me some really personal things in the past. I can't see things getting any more personal. I am a good judge of what is heavy stuff is. It was hard because I felt it combined with our relationship. Everytime I kissed her or held her she would be there and enjoy it but always pull away. I guess I was getting tired of always getting and feeling shut down or rejected. Our sexual experience consists of her teasing me to the very brink and stopping. I never pushed the issue or made her feel bad but I am seeing even my patience for this can go only so far. So I was stupid and said something. She got really hurt and started to leave my place. I ran out after her.

It was then I got locked out of my place at Midnight. Since my dad manages the apartment I live in I had to call him. He and my stepmom were pissed.

I hate how harsh and unfeeling my parents can be. If stuff like this happens and I am sorry, they never let me get a sorry in. THey grill me whenever I say I am sorry, they can be real jerks sometimes. So as they were coming over Viva was actually able to pick my lock. I called them and told them that I was sorry and that Viva picked the lock. I realize the inconvenience but my parents never really understand any unfortunate accidents that happen with me. I hate coming to them for help, whenever I need help I feel like I'm choosing to get a labotomy. I just want understanding. It was an unfortunate accident.

While I was locked out Viva and I talked. I realize how much I don't want to loose her. I need to give her some time and just believe this will all work out.

I also realize how much I love my dad and stepmom and how much I hate living when I am around them. They are truly poison for me and will be the only thing that can kill me, if I let them. I decided here and now not to tell them this for it won't help our relationship. I won't try and fix them. I will protect myself against them. They are the enemy I love. My father's b-day is coming up and sometimes I want to hurt them with my true feelings but I hold back and try to be the better person. When I grow up I don't want to be like them. I want to be better.