I had asked Viva last night if her relationship with her ex was kind of how we were now. She said it was. It was then I realized that part of the thing keeping us apart is that it is too soon and I need to realize she is affraid. Her relationship ended because it seemed to her that she chased her long time boyfriend away. She is special and full of life, but that can wear on people over time. He also just seemed to lose interest and that

I can't promise that won't ever happen but I will try. I told her I was different though and things didn't have to turn out the same way. I wanted a chance I told her.

At the same time I told her I was affraid that I only did it for her a little but I was affraid deep down she didn't want to just settle for me even though I was so good with her, and I said to her that if she ever didn't feel it with me to end it quickly between us. I am just afraid she like many other girls in my life don't really have that attraction to me. I realized and told her that in my life I had become so used to loosing all the women in my life that I have a hard time believing she wants to be with me. I don't think that fear will be put to rest until someone is just with me.

I was so tired last night when I was talking with her that I was rambling without thought or sensor. I even let it slip that deep down I felt right now that I'd love to marry her. It hit her kind of hard and I realize now that it was really not a good time to mention it. My feelings are a bit out of control, like I am most times. I always lead with my heart first, and I feel like it has made me lifes fool.

I have been having dreams and a feelings of precognition that I my death is near. Not sure what it all means. I think my death may come after a lifetime of defiance.

Perhaps it's my fear of living, hopefully though I am not precognitive and not really sensing my death is near.