Viva Collapsed at work. I feel so guilty and helpless and I realize how much I love her. I see how in such a short time, what time we've spent has turned my life upside down and changed everything. She's in almost everything in my life.
If it weren't so soon and things weren't so uncertain, I'd ask her to be my wife and my soulmate. I love her that much. I love her so much I realize I would rather have her break up with me and leave me that way than something ever happening to her.
She collapsed at the checkstand. I was coming before I found this out with a lame ass ploy, but my real reason was to see her. As I came over I found people surrounding checkstand 8. She was laying down on the ground unconcious.
I thought the worst. I thought that maybe she was dead and I lost another woman in my life that I loved. I thought somehow I had become that tormented soul in love that looses every woman he has ever loved. She eventually regained conciousness. The ambulance came and was about to take her to the hospital but she refused. They told her she was dehydrated, but she told them she was feeling better and didn't want to go to the hospital.
I am not officially her boyfriend. I am the man she loves, and she is the only one who knows it. I am bonded by her trust not to tell the people in our lives about us. She feels so much guilt over this. I hate it but I love her more than the people in our lives and would keep anything from others.
But I possess knowledge. Viva and I haven't been sleeping much. We kiss a lot and hold each other, and we get to the verge of line. I have kept the most control over not pushing my male desires and seeing that she isn't ready for things to go so fast. I have been pushing the time spent togther. We have litterally fused our lives together really quickly.
I love this woman. And it's killing me that I can't do anything. She is so proud though, and doesn't want anyone's help. She doesn't want anyones pity. She is so tired of Dr.s and prescriptions to help her with her Lupus and the games it plays with her body and emotions. There isn't anything I can do to change those things. If I could I'd take that sufferering into myself if I could, but I can't.
I feel so guilty for creating such stress through the pleasures of finding this newfound love in her life. I pains me to know that the very love I have played part to is wearing her out. She loves me and it scares her. She has a boyfriend whom she is on break with but she has found love with me that has blown her away. But there is the past for her and fear of the future that was creating obstacle and stress. Each time I made her smile and feel love she pulled away while we kissed or embraced. I knew it was because we both felt so happy, and I think she knows it makes any loss lifebreaking.
She hasn't been eating. She wasn't eating when I got to her and just recently I got her to eat. She told me I was helping her get back an apetite. She is going through a severe depression while falling in love with me. I feel I have failed so greatly as a friend. I can't just be her friend because she knows there is more. We both woke up at 1pm today after 3 long nights of no sleep and constant closeness. I was so tired i was snoring last night and actually woke myself up with it. We ate Jamoca Almond Fudge for breakfast or whatever you'd call it at 1pm.
Before work I fixed her up an Egg sandwich with Focia Bread. She told me she wanted an egg. She later told me tonight she wasn't supposed to eat eggs. She has a diet she's supposed to be following. I felt sick knowing I prepared her those eggs. I felt sick because i also know she told me last night while we were in embrace that she was dizzy. I didn't think anything of it then. Now I am haunted with this.
I feel like actually screaming out, " I am fortunes Fool!" I left work to take her home. As I we left my car for her apartment she collapsed and lost conciousness in my arms. I held her up and she didn't respond. It made me think of my mother when she collapsed after an sleeping pill overdose. We talked about that last night and all the other things of our past. Reminising of past pain and moments later living a scary reminder of loss, loss of control over the ones you love.
I have never been so sick but everyone around me seems target. She regained conciousness. I told her I was going to take her to the hospital. She fought me and fought me. I realized I couldn't save her. Again i realized that I was again a spectator. I had to respect her choice to reject treatment. I knew she'd only do the best thing for herself when she herself wanted it. I kept telling her how much I loved her. Sometimes I think that is my mistake. I pray that my love isn't the daggers that are killing her.
She wanted me to leave her home alone and for me to go back to work. I refused that. I told her I was going to stay no matter what she said, not until her family got home. I told her I wasn't staying out of pity for her but I was doing it for myself, because I couldn't give myself more to beat myself up with.
I am wondering is my loving her the best thing for her, not us, but for her. Aahhh, why can't love be any easier. Why don't I suffer for my irrevalance towards life, why does everyone else suffer instead. It's so hard because I can't be her boyfriend and I have no where to be to help her. I am trapped in so many places. I am so far from being able to help her.
I read her an entry I wrote in Diaryland from March 11, titled
I never edited it and actually I mentioned it as an afterthought. She wanted me to read it to her if I felt comfortable. I agreed. It was so perfect, too perfect. It was so well constructed at getting the girl, and touching her to her very core. Worse it wasn't even planned but I could see as I read it, I could have planned it that way if I really wanted to. I don't ever do these things but I always sense I could do such devisive deeds. It was true though, and she about melted into my arms as I read to her my feelings for her a few months ago.
This may seem stupid, but my fear is that I do have some precognition and I somehow planted all these things to win her over without my concious knowledge. I was thinking of the song "smile". It goes:
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
I love that song and when I was forced to return to work I thought of that song. I began to sing it to myself to comfort myself. I left Viva to get some rest and went back to work. I needed something and so I began singing that in my mind Lo and behold it began to play in the store music station. I don't know if that was a sign.
I love this girl more than life itself.