I think in the end I am an eternal optimist. No matter how dark I get, I think I still believe in love. So not having it now, only makes me hungrier. Not having that girl who loves me as much as I love them, makes me know how special it will be when I get there. It's the child in me that has let me survive for so long. I can worry all I want about how I might not be mature enough for the girl I love. The fact that I have toys in my apartment and on occassion still at the age of 24 I may actually allow myself to play with them as I did when I was 5. The fact that I can read a comic book and still love it for the same reasons I would always love them.
I watch shows like Airwolf, which I might mention I got another DVD for and I love it for all the same reasons I did when I was a kid. THinking back on my disliking of beer, perhaps it's not that I don't like beer but I was thinking about it and truth be told, my taste in food is very much like it was when I was younger.
As a child I was often was told by adults that I was so mature and insightful for someone my age. I was mature and still am. I am the same, and in the end I haven't change. I am not hiding from growing up, I am just being myself. I am a child. Love still means the same thing it used to mean to me. That really says something to me. I really need to remember that when I am down.
I don't regret my past relationship mistakes because they weren't mistakes. I loved as best I could, and there is no more than a man can do. Do I wish that love found a home, certainly.
I remember as a child dreaming about being in love. Maybe I saw too many movies as a child, but it seemed like the most important thing about being in love. Love is the most important thing. Love is what saved me. It really made me so sad in movies when characters didn't have love when it was so close they couldn't see it right in front of them. You have no idea how much I lamented the lack of love for characters of something based on fiction. In movies, TV, music, comics, it isn't life, but it is. I truly lament the love that is missing. I know I am only one person.
How can one person affect love, in the grander sense. That is part of my lifes journey, to find out that answer. I really want the people in my life to get my love for them. I really do need to get over my hurt feelings, it makes it difficult to love without limit.
That is what I truly wondered as a child. The moments that I was really hurt and alone, I wondered how can I change all of this? I know life may only hold dissapointment for me, but deep down I want to change people, I want them to see love. I want to show it to them.
I think of all the people I love, past friends and my family. I moved on another path, they moved another path. I love each and every one of them. I think of each one of them at different moments. It seems like people lament one or two people they went out with and are no longer with but right now I think of all of them, and I want to touch them all again. I realize that I still love them all. I let my self pity blind myself to that fact. They may never know how strongly I love them all, but I never stopped loving them all. I think if I ever have advice for anyone having problems with relationship, I would say this, don't focus everything on 1 person, don't focus it on yourself. There is more than one person to love. We shouldn't limit ourselves.
I am going to have to get over myself. I have to see the love. I may be going on the corney, kumbiya trail, I still hold my sense of cynicism and sharp wit. I am finding some peace somewhere.
I'm glad I never killed myself, seriously, I am. I am glad I never got to that point. I got away from there all by myself. Somehow, in my escape I found some peace. Getting away from people most times spell doom for people. My time apart has really made me see things, about myself and life.
I write this now not to gloat that life is wonderful but I do hope people hear what I am saying. I hope this is found by each and everyone in their own way and life.
Things may not be all wine a roses for a while, but I am at least not feeling tormented. I at least see some things I needed to see. I know I see what my mother never did. I wish she could, so much. I really do miss the past and all the people in it.
If there is a heaven, I think it is all life realizing what love is, not just yourself, and not directed towards anyone. I think it's all things realizing what love is.
I used to cry whenever I saw the 80's movie Lucas. I would get so sad cause I saw this character played by one of the notorious Corey brothers: Corey Haim I believe. I would be so sad because I totally understood how he loved this other girl, hell I understood. At the same time there was the character played by Wynona Ryder who had feeling for Lucas but he never saw it. It was so sad that two people who knew what love was, they were never able to see it, even with knowledge of what it is.
The problem with the world, it knows what love is, we just don't see it, even if it's there. That is what is sad.