Sure there are a few small things. But as I have found, the small stuff doesn't mean so much.

So the things I regret in my life. The first thing that came to mind, is my choice in schools. About 4 years ago I had an opportunity to change school and go to The Academy of Arts in San Francisco. I visited the school and was wowed by all the equipment and the heavy film environment. The facilities seemed far and above anything I could imagine. To be honest, I was so intimidated by the environment. It was in that moment I realized, there was so little I knew of film. I realized that there could be so many things I didn't know and knew there could be so much I wouldn't be good at.

I was scared to live in a city so far away from anything I ever knew. There were no ghosts there. If I was there, there would be nothing to know. I felt guilt as well. During that moment I was living at home and I was drawing support from my parents. I felt guilt because I knew there would have to be a lot of financial sacrifice on there part to go to this $20,000 a year art school.

So I copped out, I was affraid and I passed up an opportunity to chase 1 dream. I realize, years later that I did make the wrong choice. I passed up one opportunity. I have no idea what might have been. I don't think I'd be here writing now about this if I went one way.

I have been thinking about my screenwriting future. I think I really do want pursue it. But in all honesty, my first screenplay was my last screenplay I ever wrote. Since then I have gone into playwriting and now short stories. So why only write other forms of stories and not screenwriting? What am i waiting for? What am I hiding from?

Sure I could always try for grad school there, but honestly I have been in school non-stop since 97. Since the Fall of 97 I have attended the University of Hawaii. I am struggling going part time these last 3 semesters, with just finishing my undergrad. Could I really stand another 6 or 8 years in school? I know I just couldn't bear another 4 years. And with the debts I have already incurred, there is no way to suddenly pick up and move.

I do think when the time comes when I finish school, I will have to think about leaving hawaii, just for some time.

So do I have any other regrets? My other regret is telling Jessica, the girl who was my first love that I was over our past relationship and that I was content with friendship. What I should have said was that I will never stop loving her, despite any relationship I have, no matter how much I can move forward, I know that I always will love her. Also I would tell her that I let her go, I really let her go, because I love her.

I don't talk about Jessica much, I probably mention Stacy my roomie more, but when I love someone I really love them. THere is no middle ground for me. They litterally have my heart. I know with certainty that I know how to love someone. I simply have never been in a good situation to do so. My love has never really captured anyone I felt that strongly for. It has always been onesided. My fear now is wondering why and if I am destined to repeat some bad relationship karma.

It is my belief that in life you come across different loves, and different degrees. I have had 3 different loves. THey all were all gifts, but my first love, Jessica, she really holds the strongest love for me. I don't negate the possibility that that may change in time. I know even if I find love with another, each girl I ever loved has a space in my heart. Because, how can one ever end love?

My past regrets which are no longer so, I no longer blame myself for my mothers death or my fathers 2nd divorce. Those were actions in the chapters of anothers life. The choices were in no way in my control. THey were past regrets but one has to stop punishing oneself for things that one has no control over. I was just in a retrospective mood tonight. I am still feeling lonely. I really want to lay next to someone and not speak, just some company would feel so nice right now.