I need to really protect myself even a little when it comes to people. I really want to meet people off the bat and be and open and caring person but I really understand that I have always sort of expected it in return. Thus I get really dissapointed in people in my life because when we get close they are like..huh? And they obviously don't care about things the way I do.

I seem so far away lately at really having a meaningful relationship with anyone. Not even family is anywhere close to being close. That really has been a sore spot for me. And I really didn't and still don't know what to do about that. You can say, make new friends... But I look around me and I see no one. I am serious, I am very disturbed by the sight of no friendship or kinship on the horizon. I guess the problem lies with this being such a big deal to me. How do I make people to care about unimportant? My life seems to have taken a turn for the worse when I realized I had no friends. I don't know, it just happens. One day you wake up and there is no one. Now when I speak of friends I mean of people who actually care and maybe talk to you on a semi-regular basis. Say...once a month or if you call them, they call you back.

It's weird, tonight at work I spent most of the night working, but when I stopped I found myself listening to people talk about their problems. I don't mean to have a big head but it's really funny because my life gives me so much insight and advice to give to some of the people who work with me. I also see the surprise when they see I actually get where they are. I guess I wish I could have someone like that for me.

Talking with some people who I might mention are older than I, I realize that though I am struggling, I'm not doing to bad life wise. I am somehow able to stay afloat financially without my parents help. I cook for myself, and I take care of myself. No matter how depressed I got I go to work and I make enough to support myself. Despite any feelings of despair or depression I somehow tread on. I never folded, not once. I guess I realized there are some things to be proud of. If I can survive death of a parent. A deteriation of relations with my other parent and loss of all my close friends and not fold, than I have to have something going...right? All while taking perfect care of myself.

My only failure is falling down. But I picked myself up. I am going to stop blaming myself for loosing my friends...they discarded me and I'm going to work on not beating myself up about that. I'm going to stop using my strength and fighting myself.

I am wearing myself down. I am wearing down because I have become my own worst enemy. This applies heavily with school and my future. Whenever I tell people of a new story idea they really seemed intrigued. So, I need to write and FINISH these ideas. I need to as I say, stop fighting myself so much. I need to go to class and do all my homework. Knowing I have the ability and actually putting myself in the position to prove such. Only then will I finish this long and overdrawn process..

The new outlook, stop being a dolt and help myself, by not standing in my own way.