I did take some time to think about life, my life... This is what I found, I will never kill myself no matter how much I wish to cease to exist. Suicide isn't me, I really won't ever allow myself to do such an act. No matter how much I have wanted myself to take that road, it is simply not in me to do. I was and still struggling with life and all the joys of living. Deep down all my thoughts were just that, thoughts. I may get frustrated or feel a great amount of hurt, but deep down I guess you can say, I have the strength to live. I can't really explain it, but it's like destiny, I know I won't ever end it, I just have always known. My battle right now is with Loneliness. My battle is with trusting that there is another being on this earth who can show me they love me. That is my battle, not death. I found this on my own. I found some strength because I truly realize there is no one I can count on, no one, and I won't be so blind as to believe anyone can help me. There isn't anyone to sit and listen to me vent so... that is just my life now.

I am going to alter my approach to this. I don't seek any more comfort from my diary. My thoughts will provide no solutions...well not intentionally. I think I need this diary just to write. I can't explain it, I have an almost anger towards people. Fuck you all!!! This diary is for me!

My love is a gift, those who take it for granted won't get it. You can say my short exile from my diary has left me some inner strength.

I have a new look. I decided that with my new outlook, I'd put a new look. I put one of my 10 favorites songs. It is Natalie Imbruglia "Identify". My favorite line from the song is "Am I lonely or am I just alive?" I have chosen to use the image of the Phoenix as my inspirational. Be it a little cliche, I think I have realized my will to live is like the phoenix, whenever I believe I don't want to live... my will rises again. It's something I can't shake. I'm going to stop fighting it so much. I really am going to try not to fight myself so much and accept I am going to live my life, with or without people who care.