I know I said that the last entry would be my last for a while but this is the one that will be the last.

I am having some real emotional turmoil and I feel lately that I am hiding in my own thoughts and I am literally killing myself. This diary as of right now is an extension of that. That picture of me hanging off a cliff, I look at that and I want to tell myself to let go.

I admit to myself that apart of me really wants to die. Until I get that under control everything else goes in storage.

I don't tell people this but I think about my dying everyday. People would probably judge saying that I am over dramatic or that I am obligated to get some help. Truth is the part of me that wants to die doesn't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. The other half does enough thinking and worries over everyone enough.

I am not going mentally nuts and my depression plays less of a role. I want to die in my rational state. This worries me that death is something I desire.

Here is something sad, when I was a child I sometimes think of dying but I would make up some lame reason to stay alive for a while longer. I'd reason that hey there is some TV show that had a to be continued and I would think I can't die until I see that episode. I totally realize the backwardness of that type of thinking while I am thinking it.

I guess why I need to stop this is because writing these entries really depress me even more. Seeing what I am thinking in words really keeps me feeling the pain. Where as when I don't dwell in it for some time. I think I am a danger to myself because my escape has never been any drugs or drinking but it has been my imagination, my fantasies. I think my attributes would be perfect for others but I am slowly killing myself with my own gifts.

I am really tempted to go, and I mean this with my entire being, if I ever decide for it to end., I won't let anything stop me.

I feel like my life is not massively fractured but I think that microscopic tear is doing it's damage because it's been eating at me most of my life and eventually even the smallest of tears will get you and produce the same amount of pain a fast sharp pain will produce.

Everyone can have there say on life and how to live or cope but it is up to each of us whether we want to live life. If my father weren't still alive I really would have done this a long time ago. I have always held back my hunger for my end because I know how much it hurt him when his father killed himself and I wanted to hold on so that in his lifetime he wouldn't know that pain again.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. At this point I'm living only for myself who doesn't see anything for me. My father and I are beyond repair. He will continue to hurt me in ways he is unaware. I will continue to dissapoint.

I mean it when I say I have no friends. I had people I thought were friends but no one is my friend. When I was with them I watched to see if they ever noticed anything or even tried looking in. You have no idea how many people I comforted in their time of need. And where are those people? There lives are flurishing and have I heard from them? Not even a hey how are you?

I am angry and I feel a lot of things. I see the good in people and realize it exists, but for me, there doesn't seem to be any good for me. I watched my uncle Jack watch the story of Charlie Wedemeyer and his wife. I really could see the way he was touched by the story. THis may have no bearing on anyone but what I saw in him, I see in many people. That is part of my problem.

You have no idea how much time I have put into watching people and really seeing things in their eyes and their hearts. When I am not burried in the world of make believe I am looking into people all the time. But that's just it... I have watched and listened and tried to help where I can, but the reality is no one has ever looked at me and or really cared enough to see the pain I carry.

No one without me having to say I was sad was simply kind and looked into me and tried to be there. I don't say I am sad often but I show it. No one sees, I guess I am cursed with the smile everyone thinks is always happy.

Am I such a good actor that I have everyone fooled into believing I am the happiest child on earth. Rather, young person, I can't claim childhood any longer.

At this point I really must decide once and for all if I want to live. This is the final entry. I have enjoyed voiceing any thoughts I had but like so many things, this too isn't the answer to my questions. I think there are too many questions asked in my entries and no attempts at answers. So from this moment forth, only actions.

This can no longer be my only outlet because there are simply no answers for me here. I can't wallow in my own thoughts or expect a complete stranger to read this and have some great revelation. I must simply act. Do I want to live or not.

I am going to take some time to really think about that. So I guess I wish Exiles goodbye. For better or worse of what may come.