What is weird is I have been other characters in my dream and not myself. Monday I was Orin, exiled king of Atlantis, visiting an Atlantis like pardise on earth.

And last night I was an invisible Lesbian-bull dyke. If those aren't contrasting identities than I don't know what is. What am I trying to tell myself with these visions.

I am a strong believer that dreams tell us something. I am still haunted by the blue hued paradise in my monday dream. I haven't felt that happy or felt in such awe in so long. It was almost as if I was in Heaven. It's weird that the blue lighted paradise has given me a renewed sense of wonder and a glimpse of hope. It was so beautiful to be in, I have seen only a few sights that make me take a seat in awe.

And what was going on at Serpico. I have never seen that movie but I am aware that there is a movie called Serpico. The only mention of if that made me aware of it's existance, was from Rushmore. It was one of the productions Max Fisher put on. I looked it up and found it was a story as described by the web site I checked: About the NY cop who dared to speak out against police corruption. So why was the name of the "gay" resturaunt named Serpico. Why did I attach gay connotations to it? There was a lot of homosexual imagery in my dream as well. I found it particularly funny that I someone how ended up being gay and liking women. I don't know how I feel about being an Invisible Bull-dyke. That is the name of the day. It just makes me chuckle.

If you have no idea what I am talking about, read my last 2 entries.

I was afraid in my dream. Fear was a constant element. It was far more darker than my other dream.

Today was a lazy day. No class, and no work. I cleaned mostly which my place desperately needed. I rearanged a bit to better accomidate my new couch.

It's weird I have not one to lean on in my life. It was one of the things that lead me on the path to depression. My father seems utterly disgusted with me and no idea what state I am in. I often wonder how he'd feel to find me completly fractured without him even knowing it. He is too busy being a child and throwing tantrums. He is mad at me for stupid reasons. I got tired of being a punching bag and I left there house because he was in one of his bad moods. I love the lug, but we are so different. He is the typical male, he can't be caring or understanding. He has to show you he loves you by being hard on you. He has never been able to be my friend. It's odd but we both had a traumatic loss of a parent. My dad came home at age 12 or so and found that his dad had hung himself. I came home to find I couldn't get in and that I knew something bad had happened to my mom who died. We are both tied together by loss. We both emerged very differently. I feel and am very emotional. He is very reserved and he keeps whatever feelings he has except dissapointment to himself. He only shows me his dissapointment or his anger. It has slowly worn on me. I know how much we love each other, but his style of love hurts me more than I can ever tell him. I love him to ever hurt him with the truth. My style is to protect and love those I love.

I don't know if this issue will ever be resolved. I don't want children sometimes because I don't want to be a father and try to do better than him. It is obvious that my family could have a history of instability or depression. My father never shows those feeling but I wonder if it has ever been hard for my father. My grandfather obviously had some issues and so did my mother. Am I stronger? That is what my life will answer.