I have done my poking of fun towards MJ. I have to say that my instincts tell me he is "Not a Child Molestor!" I do think he is disturbed though. A part of me wished he could get some help. People forget they once loved this man, and I think that it is really sad, because all his money and sucess has allowed him indulge and hide from life. He is the perfect specimen of a fractured soul in my view. It's a direct result of the media world we live in and how the pressures of fame can truly destroy a person.

Money won't solve all your problems, should be the theme song for MJ. As I watched him I realize that deep down he seeks something I too want. He wants the world to just love each other and for their to be harmony. My problem is that I really don't think that harmony is attainable. Well not by one person and it can't be something we are led towards. I completely get in some weird way, his intentions with having kids around or wanting to be so touchy with them. I see that his intentions are to create love and togetherness. I really don't think there is sexual intention. I think part of it speaks to us as a society and our own cynical mentalities. He really just seems want to give love (not in a sexual way) and comfort. It seems obvious that somewhere along the way he really didn't feel he had that and it seems that he is overcompensating for this now in his adulthood.

He is a danger to his children though. Because he has such an escapist lifestyle he truly runs from the negative or the tough things in life. Hell if I had all that money, I might be guilty of the same. I think though his warped perceptions inadvertantly endanger his children. I am particularly disturbed in the interview that he doesn't seem to see the lack of the true mother in his childrens life as something that may be a problem. He thinks he is more than enough. I think the mark of a good parent is not to overestimate your abilities when you have children. Parents shouldn't see themselves as always knowing what is best for the child. I think a good parent can step back and look to see if they are harming their child and accept the responsibility and take the difficult path. A parent should never take the path of trying to control everything in their childs life. My father did this. He didn't fail with me, but the scars are there. I rebeled against God and our families religious belief because it became so set and unwavering. It stagnated choice and the following of one's heart. As a child I was forbidden so much. Good or bad, I really lost apart of me. I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't tasted so much of life, living with my mother. My experience with my mom are good and bad as well. I got too much life to soon. I got life taken away with my dad, and I was the good son and followed because of the love and trust i had for my father. I may be a bit messed up but I never doubt my heart and knowing that I do my best to do what is right. My doubts stem from my questions on why live? What will I walk away from once I live? And will things ever improve. I really doubt these things now and I am struggling with that. I wonder where I fit in shaping things or affecting life. Living is simply not enough for me. I want to change the world. I want to make it better. I am impatient and unable to take the minor victories in life. I guess I need broad strokes. It's my passion for life that I think has been driving me to end it. The doubt in my heart that things will improve, that I will grow. I have to not forget though that I am and can still grow. I can't see everything and I don't know it all. I can't forget that.

Going back to MJ, I really think he paid those kids parents off cause he just didn't want to deal with the negativity. I think that appears his number one driving force. I understand escapism, I am a guilty participant of this. He lacks the social awareness to know how his actions shape the public perceptions of him. It's his actions that doesn't sensor him from doing things that makes us go, " What the fuck is wrong with him?" His lack of awareness and maturity makes him the perfect pawn for ridicule.

His riches have allowed him such an avenue of escape though, that seeing that play out disturbs me so much. I feel so sad for that man. No one sits this man down because there is no great figure to really sit him down and give him what he needs. Some real love and attention. There is no one with enough power to stop him. Someone who he might see as his equal, needs to sit this man down and make him face life.

But we all need that someone, and we don't all get it. That is a true tragedy. It frustrates me seeing fellow humans stumbling. I don't think I could handle being God or even a great leader. I would have such difficulty standing on the sides and watching people stumble.

We are all stumbling. Inability eats away at my soul. Everyone prefers not to think about the tough stuff, it's easy to escape. I totally understand. It's funny because our art, writing, movies, drawings, television and music; all these things gives us hope and a dream of the possibility of the human condition and sometimes of the hope that exists. The question though, is this just that, an ideal, an escape? Does it really exist for us, or are we great creator of ideas and dreams?

On another note... I had a wonderfully beautiful dream. I dreamed that I was in Hawaii but something magical happened. It was late at night and I was walking along the coast of what seemed like Waikiki, but it wasn't. I eventually came to a point on this island where there were people partying. It was close to midnight and there were families and children playing. The amazing part of this dream is how bright the moonlight was. There was a light blue lumanescent light blanketing the whole area. It only enchanced the beautiful sparkly blue hue of the ocean and the pool water. It was funny because instead of being lit by the sharp beams of light from the sun, the moon was projecting the same amount of light the sun would but with less sharpness of light. In my dream there were these mystical beings who had some relations to the people of Atlantis. They were another lost culture of people who somehow created this whole otherwordly environment on Earth. It was an Atlantis like paradise on land and I somehow stumbled onto this. I later returned to this place and talk to the guardians of this world. In my dream these people called me Orin, which is the name of Aquaman, which then had me take on the persona of Orin the Exiled king of Atlantis. Now I haven't read Aquaman in a couple of weeks, nor have i had any thoughts about him but it was just trippy. The paradise of Blue light. As I sit writing this, I wish life somewhat resembled my dreams. I think I become dissapointed because I think things could be so beautiful and perfect, but they are not.