I won't end this journal just yet. At 199 after this, the next entry would have been my last.

Truth is I was thinking of ending it for a couple of reason. I didn't feel like I had grown since I began writing. I also began feeling I use this diary as a crutch to dealing with actual people and expressing myself to the people in my life. Third I kind of felt I was just being kind of boring with this latest pool of self pity.

I realize that I am a person with hope who has lost faith in people. I don't know how it is possible to be a person with faith that people can rise above while also having no faith that people will ever change and be more. I have both feelings at the same time and with that I have no peace. I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I am both good and evil in one body. Apart of me knows in my heart I could be just as evil as I am good. For reasons beyond my belief most my actions reflect my good nature.

I sometimes feel like two souls in one body. Here is a story idea, God and Satan in one body brought back to the living world. Isn't that an interesting story idea?

What I find interesting nowadays is listening to peoples views on the war. I hear both sides of the argument being debated by everyday people. People for and against. I have my own feelings but when listening as the third party or simply easdropper I really tend not to want to take either side. I sort of see both sides have their points. I tend to feel we just need to accept that we feel differently about things, like it or not.

Also I hate that I judge people in this way but I listen to people try to be funny or think they're funny. I listen to people talk about things I think sometimes, so what. Some people tell stories like their lives are so interesting when all I can think is, is that all you got. I listen to guys or girls tell each other stories and I sometimes feel like saying, you're really boring, do us a favor and keep your stories to yourself. Mean, I know. There is that other side, rearing it's ugly head.

I am still flirting with Viva, and she is still flirting with me as far as I can tell. A lot of guys seem to flirt with her. She has one of those magnetic personalities that just draw you in I guess. I know it's the fact that she seems so alive and aproachable, not in a slutty way, but she is just full of life. I don't want to be with any girl. Not all girls or guys seem to be alive and that can be just a turnoff. But for some it doesn't matter. THe dead seem to pair up with the dead. But for us live ones, we need lives ones as a necessity.

It is 4am now and I should try to get some sleep before I have to get up for work. Last night there was lighting. I stood outside and kept waiting for God to strike me down. I think I have been rather presumptious and defiant in my life.