A. Boring
B. Still Snoring, what was the question
C. I can't stop scratching my nuts (for those with nuts or nut envy)
D. What, I thought this was the Jason and Jamie Wedding
E. All the Above
I would also have a prerecorded comedy routine called " I'm Dead, Deal with it" Kind of like a Maragret Choi styled standup routine. An in your face laugh till you drop routine. I think I am better as I feel my sadistic strength return.
I hated my moms funeral which I spent only 2 minutes at. My father hated my grandmother so much he left and I had no choice but to leave as well. I remember how everyone looked at me. I felt like I died that day the way everyone pitied me. My dad did me a favor and disservice in his act. He protected me from the moment but he was only there for the moment and gone now.
It has been a really interesting day today. I have been happy and sad and sometimes both at the same time. I don't know how much problems I have but I felt something today. And with that there was hope.
I never allow myself to make rash decisions only because my emotions or views are always changing. Have you ever truly felt that you may have dual selves. It's what always brings me to the center. There is a truly happy and down side to me. It's nice to have both but very dangerous.
I was thinking about the light and dark sides to peoples personality. People are afraid of the dark because I know that part of me could ultimately lead me the road my mother took. The older I get the more I realize I am battling the battle that she was and I know the outcome of her battle. On some level she gave me more than she will ever know.
It's funny because I had an english class which I was able to make. Part of my story intergrates my real relationship with my mother and it shares the theme of losing your mother when you are young. I wrote the child as incredibly concious of his surroundings and of the realities of the situation. My classmates blasted my story saying they didn't believe a 10 year old could be having all these thoughts and insights. I started laughing because I knew I was 6 and dealing with more than my character had to and I realized that I am different. I don't want to die because I have been through too much to give up now. I know I've defeated a lot of things and that I possess a self awareness that I have been bestowed since I was young and part of it came out of the tragedy.
I can't get into the pit of despair because I feel so alone. I guess I realized the true pain in my life is realizing that I have had these feelings and insights for so long and truth be told I feel like Adam in the forest of knowledge with no eve or God, with no one. I realize I get so depressed because I feel I have this sense but no one to share these feelings with.
I completely understand pain and loss and suffering and frustration. I can't let frustration get the better part of me. I am frustrated with the world. I grow tired that people can't get past conflict. I really have lost faith that people will truly grow and be better and even if they do I know it will be lost in death. Legacy don't last. They must be found with each following generation. Perhaps that is each lifes treasure chest. But I want us all to have this and it makes it so hard to swallow knowing that we won't all get to taste love and find a spirit of union.
Imagine someone commiting suicide because people won't come together and love one another and truly try to better themselvses.
I'd be lying if I were to say all my thoughts on this came from a lack of world harmony.
My loneliness has been a lifetime affliction. But someone did something for me today that truly touched me. Her name is Sam and I met her on Diaryland. I won't go into detail but she did something and wrote something that really made me happy and smile and for that I truly thank her. THanks to everyone. I feel rather silly being all sulky and scaring everyone. I sometimes hate writing how I am really feeling because I don't want to worry people.
It is truly nice to know people do care it does amazing thing to know you made some impact, somewhere.
I realized as well that my estrangement from my parents have not helped. I haven't talked to my father in a 2 or 3 weeks. I have been avoiding him since that fiasco where he mistreated me and I left. I know apart of me is bothered by that.
I have spent truly a month alone and without really reaching out to anyone and I think that has been building up. I withdrew because I felt pain and the withdrawal only deepened my womb.
Pain is a amazing thing that connects us all. Just listen to Lenny Kravitz " It Ain't Over Till It's Over" and you can feel the pain roll off of Lenny. It's in the moment of the song you too have a Lisa Bonnet moment. I may be rambling about sad love songs but sometimes when you are in the pain of another it gives you strength to battle your own.
I mention my mother a lot . I can't help it though. I love hawaii and living here but there are so many ghosts. I went out with my friends the other day and I passed moms death home and also an apartment where her dealer used to live later that evening. Followed by passing a resturant we went to after she picked me up from stranger I stayed with when she OD from sleeping pills. Imagine getting raped in 15 different buildings and every building is 5 minutes within each and most of the island is only 5 minutes away when you are in town. It's got me thinking perhaps even though I love Hawaii perhaps I need to leave. I thought I would be able to get over a few places which I have but there are so many. I think while on my trip I actually missed my ghosts. I have no ghosts in LA, none. You live with Ghosts for so long and you miss it when it's gone. It makes you wonder if you can ever part from your pain.
Lets see lets make this a regular old entry. Today at work I dropped the elevator keys down the elevator. I was the last person to do this 4 years ago. Haha! I delt with some crazies at the library. I really wonder if I am crazy sometimes. But I look at these people and I know I can't reason with them because there nuts and I know I can at least always reason and listen. So where does that leave me?
Here is a funny link I came across regarding Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie it is one word *ouch! LISA MARIE Busts Michael Jacksons balls
I looked up Therapist in the Yellowpages but I began to think, this is not the way to go. I don't want to go to any ole Joe's Body shop to take in my factured soul. THanks Always Lolita I got your note and will try that instead. You don't realize that finding a therapist is hard because really where do you go and who can you trust?
I am afraid because I don't want any medication. I am very adamant about that. I don't want chemical regulations. I'd rather die than not ever feel an emotional high. As someone said in a comment not relating to me but about medicated people, it's just sad in a way. I want my emotions I just need a way to deal and outlet my feelings. I trust half of myself to keep myself alive. I just got to work on the other half and make sure my will to live is refortified. I don't want the blue or red fucking pills!