I have the most analytical mind and I think things out but as such something is truly bothering me to the core. So much so that my will to live seems more affected than I'd like to admit.
So I have been seriously thinking that because only parts of me doesn't want to live and the other part does It's up to me to find some peace and perhaps it's time I seek the help of another. I think my family would help if they knew I was feeling this way but deep down I know they will never be able to help me. Perhaps it's time to seek professional help. I have been thinking of seeking a therapist on my own, maybe having me be the only person to really know.
I don't care on sharing my previous entry suffice to say it was the start of the end.
I truly am not happy right now. I have tried to psyche myself up but to be honest even I know when I am lying to myself. I just am not happy. I can only fake happiness for so much longer.
I am not even sure it is good for me to write in my journal. I was thinking about the title of my death journal. I was going to call it 200 and finally laid to rest. It's really funny to me.
I might really be disturbed or else just really lost. I am not writing this for any response , perhaps I should make this one private as well. We'll see.
To be honest I really am split on this whole death thing. Honestly half of me wants to end it already while the other half I guess has some uncertain sense of hope that things will get better and that life is worth living. I guess I won't ever kill myself unless one half could really turn the other half to it's side.
I have been battling these feelings for too long so perhaps it is time to seek out help. We'll see.