Oh God, it left such a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like most Christian music that is geared towards youth because in the end i feel Christian music most times is just not that great as a form of music, I think because when it comes to rock or music, there are a lot of limits and to what they can do. Plus I am not sure what it is about people who are Christians, not all, but it seems that a lot of people that go to God seem so out of touch with the world. So the end result are terrible music videos.
I digress to the true event for today is that my father has pushed me one time to often. I was told by my stepmother that she brought back some things that she wanted me to pick up. So, I went there, she wasn't there but I talked to her on the phone and she told me the stuff were the chocolates on the table. So I got a bag and put all the chocholates in the bag. On my way out I asked my father if I could have his second copy of the newspaper. He told me no, which is ok. Then he asks about the candy and he tells me that all the candy isn't for me so cool, honest mistake. Then he says under his breath, "What do you think, this is a Charity?" What the fuck? Joanne told me that the candy was to say thanks for watching the house. I did more than that and I didn't need or care if I got anything. But what the fuck is my dads problem. Remind me not to do him any more favors. No I just left it all there and left. I feel this is more collected to the stupid deposit. As God is my witness, before I moved into his rental I asked him if I had to pay a deposit. I asked because he knows me obviously and he knows I wouldn't stiff him on the rent or dig out on him. If he said no he needed a deposit then I would have understood, but he said there wasn't any need. Now he wants a deposit and surprise just because you say you want it, doesn't mean I can just provide it. This is why I never wanted to move here in the first place. This kind of thing is what I foresaw cause I know my dad. I'm tired of being the adult. the Bigger person. I'm tired of smoothing things over when I really shouldn't have to. I still love my father but enough is enough. I am not going to smooth things over this time. This time I want an apology, and I want an attempt on his part to be the adult. I often act childish because I never had the opportunity to when I lived with my father. I think I have been alone all my life and I can't lean on anyone because I don't have anyone that I really can rely on to be there. My mother threw her life away and took me for a ride. My father drove me into the ground with fear of him leaving me.
Is there any question why I turned out how I have? It's amazing that I have tried to keep things together this long. I am just tired. That stuff I was talking about the world just dying off. I was thinking and maybe I just wish I didn't exist. I am trying not to make this a self loathing I want to die speech but I really wish sometimes that I was never made into existance and I honestly don't care what void my lack of existance would create. As a human I know I may be part of the problem and I rather I'd just not exist to begin with to add to it.
Taking care of Harriet I realize I might not be a great parent either. I am not one so it isn't something I should worry about.
If I could live happily I would live in the world of my imagination.
Maybe that's just the hurt talking but I just want it to end. I've tried to egg God if he exists to not create me and give me my wish. On a lighter note.... I just came across this band that truly defines our world now. Anyone heard of T.A.T.U? They are this pop/rock/techno fushion group from Rusia. Supposedly the 2 lead singers of the group are lesbians. So to get is straight they are hot Rusian Lesbian pop/techno/rock singers. Ha!!! There one song is really catchy but is this the ultimate marketing ploy or what. They one upped the Spice Girls, here. Talk about girl power!