I'm listening to Ladytron which has got me going with some new energy.

Creatively I sort of peaked off after that rush of creative energy last week. I think I drain myself sometimes when I go on my highs. I guess coming down is inevitable. I have never done drugs and rarely drink so most of my instability is self afflicted. I can act drunk and out of control. The key though is that part of me is acting and the other part is just riding the momentum of my emotions.

I wonder if I have been rash lately. With my considerations about my life. Apart of me wants to shut everyone out of my life and be the strong individual I have always believed I could be. Other parts of me wants me not to give up on the idea of friendship.

The world seems to continue to spiral. The funniest thing I've heard in a while was said by Tina Fey from SNL. It was about Bill Clinton's and Bob Dole's CBS debate and how it's a reminder of how real leader sound like.

I have been in a state of depression lately. It's so lame to go on and on. It's seems I waver between self confidence and strength and then loose all sense of purpose and my creative energies. Apart of me is longing for the worlds destruction. That sounds bad but I was thinking about my story 23 hours. It's about the thinning of the heard. Of course no one wants people they know to die and such but I realize that a part of me always hopes that if things can't get better than our own destruction wouldn't be so bad.

Here is what I feel, I don't promote that someone go out and bomb places or go about randomly killing people. I wonder if killing people with emotional intent is worst then just killing the world off for it's own health. THe world is a consuming monster. We all need to eat and unfortunetly there are too many people to feed. If something like this is to occur, I think it needs to be random. Is a random killing insane, or is it just nature completing it's destiny.

My thinking really has gotten here out of my own experience of loss. It is great but through it all I want things to get better. Am I insane? Like I said no one has to worry about me killing anyone. It's not in my nature to do such things but apart of me longs for retribution to our world for our sins. We obviously can't police ourselves. Fate should smite us down. If I was apart of the problem in the world I would gladly die. I mean this in a more direct term, cause honestly I think we all are apart and contribute the problem. My death wouldn't fix things, but if it would I'd say kill me.

I was thinking about things that we consider insane. Things we read about or things that happened that seem deplorable. Are they really that bad is what I wondererd about.

Things like the Lottery or even the bombing of Hiroshima. My thinking has been that perhaps Death just needs to happen and maybe we shouldn't stand in it's way. I ask myself how can someone who claims to believe in god or some form of it, even think this way. Truth is there is a part of me that has lost hope in this being or it's existence or even understanding it. Apart of me is lost faith but wants to consider everything. I often think Religion and belief, and human ego can be the embodiement of what is wrong in the world. I have faith in things but at the same time I know that very faith and things I believe in, can be what blinds me to the truth.