So A few people were wondering what happened with that girl. I'm having problems bringing myself to want to ask her out. I think lately I am starting to worry that I am getting to comfortable in my single lifestyle and I am not sure if I am hesitant to ask her because I'm not sure I'm into her or because I don't want any changes in my life right now. I held off on asking till I get a more certain feel. Plus I don't like forcing things because trust me I have taken the plunge countless times, so many so that I kind of got tired of getting told they thought I was a great friend but not someone they were into. I asked a girl out about 3 Valentines day ago and she liked what I made for her and gave me a kiss but later she avoided and me and later told me that she didn't know how to tell me she didn't feel the same. I sort of tired of that whole thing. I used to ask every girl I had an impulse for, telling myself that I would regret it all my life if I didn't find out if they were the one. I look back on all those and I regret jumping so much for girls that I kind of know it would've not worked with.
Actually I had a break with this girl last night and I offered her one of two cookies I had. She was hungry she said, but she couldn't take me cookie. I have noticed whenever she eats that she never really eats much. She gets these large amounts of food but I watch her and she just takes three or four bites and gives it away. Now I know some girls don't eat as much as I do, but she is so skinny, and she mentioned off hand that she thought she was flabby which I thought was so ridiculous, ahh! I am sick of distorted body image and what not. I started thinking way too into this relationship. I started thinking, I am not sure I can handle falling for another girl with a eating disorder. I can handle being a friend but I am not sure why this is bothering me so much. I could be paranoid but it seems like no one is happy with how they look. I had to learn that I can't change this in people, it's something they have to work out for themselves, it's just so frustrating. My whole life I have been in relationships where there are these problems with these girls and I want so much to save them, like I wanted to save my mom, but there is nothing I can do. I know now more than ever, that is the reality. I have become really guarded since Stacy, cause I really know emotionally the next relationship could be the one that takes me down with it. My thing with Stacy hurt me so much before that I really thought I just didn't want to deal with life anymore.
I was thinking of my first and strongest love, Jessica. I don't mention her much because I try the hardest not to think about her or mention her. She is the one I often find myself comparing others to. I know that is wrong but there isn't any doubt in my heart that she is the one I wanted more than anything to marry, to be with forever. She was strong and someone I respected as well as loved. She was my equal in every way. THe worst is that she hurt me the most but it happened early in my life , so I was able to brush things off and move on. I still always think of her because deep down, I know she is the one I'd give up my soul for. She was my first girlfriend and I know people say that first loves are the hardest to get over, I don't know, there are feelings that I was never ever to shake. I let her go always. I let her be happy and no one knows how it hurt to be her friend though all her boyfriends. Ultimately we lost contact even as friends because of a situation with her boyfriend who I had live with me one summer when he and she were visiting. He had some problems and she ended siding with him. She said our friendship was fine and told me she'd call me but I know better.
So I only hate this day because it has me thinking of all these ghosts.
I am writing this from school and have to go. I miss DSL.