Aside from that my day was long. I had to work at the library and longs along with go to class. At the library I had to deal with some real characters. I had this one woman come up to me and after I asked, " Can I help you?" She looked at me with contempt and walked over to the person next to me and asked them for help. She actually returned and did that to another person but I was person she asked this time. Just weird. And the thing about Hawaii is how racist some people are. I hate hearing such generalizations about caucasions aka Haole people. True, the "white man" hasn't been the most popular figure in history but all people are guilty of some attrocity. I don't ever consider any group better than the other. People make their own paths as individuals, but it irks me to hear people say such ignorant things. I just can't understand how people can continue to be so ignorant and racist. I just hate how often I hear local people spew out these things. I just wish people could be above this and not say such stupid things. This goes back to what I was talking about God, I want to believe in him, and I want the world to be worthy of knowing the truth, but are we worthy. I was really thinking and perhaps, we don't know anything about God because, God wants us to find our own reasons for living. Realistically the knowledge would change us and how we live our lives. Perhaps in the end, living without God or finding that way to live without meaning, directed towards him is the only way of truly living. I don't know, I am just confused. I try to think about both sides of the coin. It drives me nuts.
Last night I had a dream and it really brought back some bad memories. I was having a dream about "Curtis" my moms boyfriend when she died. He was awful, not only did he do all those drugs with my mom, he also almost punched me when I was 5. The only reason I didn't get hit was because I missed his first punch. He did grab my arm though and twisted it. He had an awful temper. My dream though was him standing on me. I don't know where the revival of my memory came up. It was so bad though, after my mom passed away, he got really violent and he even went as far as trying to kill or hurt my stepmom at the time. He unbolted her car tire, and after she got in her car and started to drive, it came off. It was awful. He would call too and threaten my stepmom. My mom was no better. She had her own temper. She actually spanked well whatever you want to call it, she used a wire hanger to hit me, I actually got cut up a bit. I remember she felt really bad afterwards. I don't know if this was because the drugs were making her irrational or what. I have a cut on my back from work and I was touching it last night and I thought of that long lost memory. Perhaps that triggered my dream. My father also has a bad temper. He has often in the past, rapped his hands around my neck as to almost choke me, while lifting me off the ground. And honestly when I got spanked it wasn't the psychological beating it was real, get your stress out types of spankings. My family had a fondness for hangers cause my dad once got a plastic-glass looking ones, the clear hard ones. He also used wooden spoons which he'd hit so hard with that he'd break them sometimes, on my ass. So now you'd ask, do I believe in spanking children. The problem though with me is that I haven't really turned out to bad and I have a pretty strong moral center, but is it because of the discipline or is it just me? Honestly I don't believe in the extremes I got, a hand would suffice and not in anger. I think spanking may work but the way I got it, I remember being afraid more than what I was being hit for. Honestly though it was for such minor offenses, like forgetting a book at school so I couldn't do a book report. Most times for both my parents it was because I did poorly in school as a child. A few times with my dad it was because I kept things from him. I had to hide things because my Christian upbringing prevented me from (ie reading comics and watching certain cartoons that were satanic, like Transformers and Heman or even having those toys. I don't mean to blow my own horn but I honestly think despite all those things, I never let it change me or affect me negatively. I have a temper but I have so much more control over it than my parents do. I never physically hurt people or express my frustrations that way. I always try to be reasonable with people, I can get frustrated with people and upset but I don't act the way my parents do when they get upset. It is funny though, I see my dad around kids now, and he is so different with them. In a way though I wish he'd be more like that with me. At the same time their rage always showed such passion and deep down, even though I thought they were wrong, even in their misdeeds I saw how much they cared. I can't accept two moments when my father really let me down. The first one was when my father threatened to throw me out when I was in 4th or 5th grade I think, because I hinted to a social worker that I wanted to see my grandmother more, but my father took that as me not wanting to be with him and feared that the social workers would take me away, since she was trying to get custody over me. The second was in 3rd grade during the time my father and I had no home since he had just got seperated from my new stepmom. He got angry one night and after spanking me at a friends house, he left me and told me he was never coming back for me. That moment broke my heart. A year earlier my mom died, and a few weeks before that my new stepmom was gone, and now my father told me he was leaving me. My mom had had a few close calls to death before that and I had experienced death and loss during that 7 year period of my life, more times than anyone I know, could ever say they have, in a period of 7 years. It really hurt me when he did that as well. It was sad because I was staying at these Christians house and when I turned to them they gave me no comfort. I think they didn't want to get involved. All I know is that it hurt me greatly. I forgave my father though, because my mom was no better, but I loved both of them. I often wonder because childhood greatly shapes us as adults, how much of me has resulted from my experiences and how much is just me? The thing with my parents though is, they are ruled by their passion. My father was also an adult, dealing with a great amount of stress. I mention all this now because I want to make a point. The thing I always think, that helps me, is I realize that there is always someone who has it worst. There is always someone who has lost just as much or even more than I. So my thing with all people is, if I am able to forgive and to let go, why can't we all do so.
I believe in choice and not condemning people for them. People who are victims often wish retribution, but honestly what good is retribution? The death penalty for example. I could never support the death penalty. I believe for the safety of the remaining population that the person be incarcirated but death, no. An Eye for an Eye is really the most unjust thing I have ever heard of. If the act of killing is so horrendous, why honor it with further death. Why do what they did? It makes no sense? Pain never justifies this act. Are we all animals, following animal laws and instincts. What about those of us that don't share in this primal nature. On the same not of death, abortion, now I was thinking if I am against the death sentence would I feel the same way against abortion. Well here is my feelings and I feel it conflicts with the base of my argument about not having the right to kill another human being. The whole argument though with this is so much more murky. For one, there is a direct connection between the life force of the mother and child. Secondly can you consider the entity at any stage a child. In the end I choose to give the choice to the mother and the parties involved. In an ideal world, people wouldn't find reason for doing this, however the fact that this is just as much the mother's right gives her the final say because this is something that directly affects not only her life but her body and so forth. So in the end I believe a woman must choose, the choice even if it is right or wrong. In life things grow murky and sometimes one thing affects the outlook of another. The mother gets the choice in my book because even if it is her responsibility it is her body and with our own vessels we are all allowed to make our own choices. People say that they need to protect the children. The truth is, that the world can suck. The hand you are dealt can be the worst imaginable. In the end though we must all make choices, and we should all be free to decide. THe thing with the death penalty is that people are actually being judged by other people. People shouldn't judge others, I don't think we have the ability to really be a good judge. In the end though the world is what it is. There will always be killers, lovers, sinners, and me. Well I won't always be here, but people like me. I accept that people wish death as a form of justice, but I don't feel the intentions are good, but I understand, I don't agree but I understand people may have a need. I also am sad babies or even Fetus's don't always get a choice but truth is there isn't always someone there to protect you, even your parents. In the end you must fend off the best you can. You have to make the most of life, even if their isn't much, or even anyone in it. The one thing though, if I am to change in my life, I want to find real love and friendship. What I really want is someone with a truly good heart. My journey thus far has taught me that "Life is Suffering." Sorry, I know that isn't any newsflash and I'm not the first to point that out. And second, I just have to do the best I can from what I have experienced. I was talking to Vicky today, she is having problems with her boyfriend. As she was talking I was trying to comfort her and give her a balanced perspective on what I saw. She proceeded in saying, "God how you do you know all these things about us. People forget what they are saying to me and what they tell me, but I always remember moments between people. I never forget. My life has really taught me what life means. People matter to me, that is the only thing that all this has taught me. It's why when I am hurt by my friends, it cuts me to my core. It is why when I am forgotten I hurt so bad. I let people matter so much and I wish to matter as much to them as I do them. The world is so not set up that way. I am often frustrated because I don't meet many people who have found this out themselves. And I don't know what to do with what I have learned. I can't just tell people blah blah blah, now you know, kind of thing. Everyone must find this on their own, but I am so frickin lonely it is killing me!!! I have been such a loner for so long and I can handle being alone, but I feel like I've lived most of my life making it through alone, battling it out alone. I trully want companionship and something to share with someone. I want someone to laugh with. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to talk to me. I want to connect to more than my own thoughts. I have spent so much time in my head. I want to share how I feel, the emotions in my heart. After what I wrote in the last entry I decided that if there was something to live for other than a greater state afterwards, what I wanted in life more than a meaning is a meaning of my own with someone I truly loved. Fuck Sex, it's a luxury. Man can be held captive to our natures but we don't have to let it be us. I want true connection more than any orgasim, I want heart. Now the question is how do I find it? In a world where I haven't found a trace of what I'm looking for. I love movies and music because it's the only place I have had a hint that what I want exists.