My sensitivity is getting in the way more and more lately. I am not paranoid I just notice everything and it is affecting me more than it should. I have an old friend of Stacy and mine. She is more Stacy's friend but we'd always all go out. Anyways she came back to Hawaii to get married. I was writing her on my own and she even sent me a postcard to send me the news. When I heard I was very excited for her. Anyways the wedding is today and when I asked Stacy for info she sort of evaded the question saying she wasn't really sure. After thinking about it I realized that perhaps I wasn't invited even though Robyn said she'd want to have a wedding here and invite everyone. So I wrote Stacy an email asking if I wasn't invited. I told her if I wasn't and it made people uncomfortable, that I'd understand, but I just wanted to know so I wouldn't be waiting around tonight. I haven't heard from her or Robyn. What's worst is that I switched my schedule for work around so now I am working on a day I would have preferred not to, mostly because it means I won't have a night off next week and the week after. I at least had one night last week but it is gone now.

Anyways I am thinking I might end up spending the night alone watching DVD's. I don't know what I have done in life to deserve this from people I am always nice to. I'd just wish if someone had a wedding and wanted only certain people there that they at least would tell you, it isn't fun not being told directly and instead people leaving crumbs you're not welcome. Just tell me straight up man, it hurts a lot less that way! Fuck this is my birthday all over again. These are the things that depress me and hurt me. The reason I try to treat people better than I have been treated ,is because I always remember how it feels to be treated as such. In fact I can often identify other peoples pain cause I feel I am bountiful with my own. I also understand how people can come to ask "What's wrong with me" or " What about me repulses people?" Or the classic " Am I pushing People Away?"

I'm listening to Enya right now and I also feel worse and more alone in her etheral tones. I often wish my life would float away like mist into the landscapes of her songs. People look towards death for peace, to an end, unfortunetly though I realize that is more true in my fantasy of death, and I know I have no certainty of what death trully brings. I love going underwater, perhaps I will take my ass to the beach.

I am convinced my computer is connected towards my psyche. I have my entire collection of 2,300 of my favorite songs, that's right, all the songs I get happy to hear when it comes on. Anyways I have it playing on random. During this entry it has played all my sad songs. When I'm happy it plays upbeat songs. It's not the music that is dictating my feelings, but it is more I feel a certain way and my player pops up songs that only reinforce the feelings. That is just wacky! Well If I write an entry tonight, well you will have all figured what happened. God I'm so blue... oh good another sad song just popped up. Fiona Apple's "Shadowboxer" Before that was Garbage "Cup of Coffee." Shadowboxer is not so sad, but Fiona's voice always makes me sad.

I had Star-y Eyes Once, but people have blinded me. Now Everythings Grey. I wonder lately, am I being punished and if so is there anyone who might extend there hand to me in Friendship. I don't think I can extend my hand any longer, I have given of myself and my heart has been stoned by those I've extended to. I truly feel cast out and EXILED!