My headache is finally gone. It is funny, I am always reading about how people don't like to shower in their journals. I love to shower. I love the feeling I have when I am in the water. I think that is why I love the ocean so much. I love being in water. I love it when I am underwater and surrounded by it's touch. Cold or hot, the water always feels cleansing.
Yesterday in class I did something that really bothered me. I had a girl who wrote this piece for my English class. The problem was I really didn't like it and I started to tune out. Of course it was the only one I did that too and naturally I get called upon to comment. I am not sure if this teacher has ESP cause he did this last week too. Both times he called me I completely had no idea what to say. Trust me, it was ugly, there was silence and the few words I was able to mutter were mostly incomprehensable sentences. I hate that, I hate myself for that. I feel bad because I know i look incredibly stupid and moreso I wasn't being a good classroom peer by tuning out the writer. Truth be told, I really didn't like what this girl wrote. It was so negative and sometimes I am just not in the mood for it. I notice among this upper division writing group that everyone writes to impress or to instill some message. Though their technique is flawless most of their writing lacks any zest for life. Everyone tries to empress upon everyone else, how dark they are and how in tune they are to the craft of writing, by spewings their love for this or that writer, with their complete devotion to their mentors style. What ever happened to just writing because it is fun and it makes you smile. Why does everyone have such a need to make this into how obscure they are, and how much "hidden intellegence" they have. Perhaps they might consider that they are never going to have a complete grasp of things but simply do their best to see the bigger picture. I hate commenting on other writers directly because I don't always believe I am right about their writings. I understand that my own personal feelings color my commentary. For example, I hated that girls piece because she dwelled on all the bad things in life, and truth be told I am in a place to want to get out of dwelling in all that has gone wrong. I want to move forward with optimism. I know because of where I am, that certain pieces don't move me as such and color my feelings towards the style and voice. Just like the girl who I was tuning out, she overreacted to what was semi sexist short story. I don't promote intolerance, and majority of the people couldn't help but laugh, but the reality is that there was truth to it. The girl proclaimed, "Not all girls are easy" What was funnier was another girl yelling out, " Oh yes they are!' The truth is, they are both right. Not all girls are easy, some are harder to get in than fort knox, others are giving it away. We live in a world fool of people and there is no dominant group. There are going to be easy girls, guys, whatever and so forth. It doesn't however mean all of us are easy. The thing which always amazes me when I am watching people is how blind people become. Sometimes the most righteous feeling blinds a person, no matter how right the cause or how right they are. This may be conterproductive to constantly question oneself, but really shouldn't we always question ourselves, and not always assume we are right. That is what I wish America would learn, what we would all learn.
I spend so much of my life watching people. The funniest things to me is that people can so easily become deaf to things and other people. I hear everything people say, I don't know where everyone comes from but when I talk with people I acknowledge all that is said, unless I am in a group of a hundred where, yeah it would be hard, but in a group of 10 or more I can acknowledge people. When I go in a room I am aware of everyone most times. When I am in love and with someone I tend to loose that ability. I focus so much onto that person. Not in a stalker kind of way but as a person that cares. It's funny that when people talk to me about their relationships, I can recount days they came in upset about a specific thing their boyfriend or girlfriend did to them. I bring it up as an example to make certain points and it is funny they often don't remember it at first. I point out to them how they probably felt. Vicky is the person I am talking about tonight. Her boyfriend is the typical clueless guy. He is unaware that his carelessness and aloofness is hurting and slowly pushing her away. Things like forgetting lunches with her and I even notice at the club that he is easily wisked away by other friends, leaving Vicky alone. Eric has these big dreams at being in a band. He loves the scene and the people. Vicky loves the music but doesn't like the whole scene. She is the type to want to just have the guy she loves next to her. She is a great girl though cause she knows how much he loves this and lets him go. She has told him how she feels but he doesn't get that what he needs to do is to give a little himself. He needs to look after her as she does him. It isn't good for only one person to comprimise, but if both give a little, seriously and meet each other half way than things stand a better chance of working. It sounds so simple, but people miss this, not only guys. If I was closer to Eric i'd say, "Look Eric it wouldn't hurt you to just stay one night, one outing just with her, let her know you want to be around her. The worst thing is getting to the point you start always assuming the person will be there. I always feel people are going to leave my life, so I really try to savor every moment with them. Truth is people are always leaving my life. It makes me sad and depressed. It does however amaze me how clueless some people are. Not to contridict myself completely though, relationships exists without all of what I mentioned, cause just like not all girls are easy, not all relationships require this. Sometimes people just don't care if none of this exist, but with some it does. I like Vicky though, she is really nice, she gave me hug which really made my night. I told her my frustrations and she hugged me. A hug really goes a long way with me. I know I can be sick and perverted sometimes. I have a balance though and I have a very thoughtful and heartfelt side. I can be kind and I can be mean. I love acting cause it allows me to be anything I feel like being.
I have been really into Reality TV this year. I have been following Joe Millionaire, American Idol, and Celebrity Mole. First Joe M., I have to say this past week I saw something in Joe that really turned me off to him, as if all that I saw wasn't enough. He has a very dark regressive child within his personality. I saw a minor childish tantrum he was getting. His environment and situation has definetly affected him. When one girl wasn't throwing herself as much as the others he got angry. I'd watch out for Angry Joe M. He is demanding and wants and definetly a bad person to be in a relationship with. It's almost like he is a spoiled kid. He has these gold diggers going after him but what happens when they show that they have needs. I am completely aware that this is set up to fail but in real life this would be a definite recipe for disaster. That's what makes it a raitings hit. Now American Idol, I never watched last season, but I admit it is deliciously fun but how many times can we hear Simon saying you're the worst singer ever. I am most amazed at how unaware these people are to their actual abilities. There was this female boxer who came on and she was by far the funniest in a tragic way. I felt more sorry for her son who she dragged around and roughly grabbed. The child as she mention lost her father and it seems like it got another one in it's mother. She had a lot of heart but she seemed all over the place. It always amazes me how unstable the world is, and how many unstable people are among us all. Finally Celebrity Mole. I just have one word, Frederique!" She is so beautiful, I never realized how beautiful she is. But I wasn't blinded to a sense that she could be a bitch cause she is used to always getting her way and probably has tons of guys throwing themselves at her.
Ok I have written a lot and I hope nothing deletes all this.