I truly wish I had powers sometimes so I could save the world, so I could do something. I look around at people around me and to be honest, when we aren't consumed about ourselves and our lack of love or the fact we aren't pretty or skinny enough, the thing I get is most people wonder about why they exist. And the hardest thing is that it is not only why we are here but what can I do? Can we even make a difference, is there even a reason to live, and will it matter if we're gone. Unfortunetly our lives aren't movies or songs. I think we all want that too much, no one is more guilty than myself. We want to overcome so great enemy. But there is no movie villain, or specific villans to overcome. Things don't play out that way. And there is no one to answer what will there be to show for it after we are long gone and dead. We'd all like to think there is a God and a heaven. There is doubt though, is there something afterwards. Honestly actual knoledge of the existance would change life so much. But then there is the aspect of having faith in something you can't see. A lot of movies triumph involves faith. But it is easy to have faith in movie scenario's cause things aren't real. In life people would prefer not to answer the question or try cause it is hopeless. There are times I have wanted to take on God himself just so if he'd existed, I'd know. I am not happy with the world, there is so much we can't do. Movies can touch people but can't change them. I can touch people but I can't change them or things. Therefore why create a world where people can't change things, really change things. People can affect their generation but that is all, there is a limit. We have been made with such limits. I am most bothered in existence that we can't surpass our perameters. There is only so much we can go. I also think who knows we could be but an ant farm to God, we often think we are all so important in life, but truth is we could be so insignificant in the sceme of things. I was raised with a heavy christian upbringing but it is not beyond me to question that people just made of God and the Bible. It is greatly conceivable that people created God to give life meaning. I hope not, but it is conceivable. I know people believe in what they do. I am like a child, I question and no matter what any man or woman says, there is nothing, that even they can do to answer my questions. Unfortunetly only a God, if he exist can answer it. But in this system we can't physically see him, but must rely on faith and the man influenced teachings of the Bible. The bible is great for the most part and inparts truly noble ideals, but if someone decided in the past that Santa Claus was God and wrote about it, we might all be gathering right now singing to Santa Claus, but hey if he represents good than that is cool. I don't claim to be better or even to claim to know However I choose not to believe in things just because faith is the ultimate praise to God. I read peoples diaries and I hear true cries for answers. We all want answers but no one has any. People look to something for comfort. I can't find comfort in anything cause there is no definites. I can't cling to Religion being the answer or even God. I can not rely on anything, not even myself. I may lack the understanding of the master plan but I question it cause that is all I can do. I could believe but is believing the false any better? What is wrong with humanity, I think it is that we have no answers and we are all so lost. The things with the Church I went to and most of the churches I went to is that God will instill the answers, or is it just a reason to stop questioning, cause the people runing religions don't have anything else to give. It is easy to believe and have faith. THere is great comfort in unity. One is not alone. In life we seek not to be alone. Most of us use every fiber of our being not to be alone. We are stronger and feel on stronger together. Religion is comfort in numbers. A number of people who feel comfort. I was one of those once but I started to look around and realized that it was possible my comfort was false. I didn't want to belive that, it's so much nicer where I was, but if that damn apple was that particular knoledge than I truly feel damned. I have problems with the Adam and Eve story. God created us knowing what our choice was even beforewe made it, he made us to make that choice. At what point do you have control if everything you do is set. Would you say it is possible God didn't know Adam and Eve wouldn't eat that apple? If God is GOd, he knew. Everything is so set from creatiion. If I was God I'd be crazy. I only hope there is some great truth that simply escapes my human mind and soul. I would think about this when i thought of death after my mom passed away. What a messed up kid, talk about intense, all while keeping this too myself. You should of seen me I'd be having this conversation out loud with God. I had some rough nights during childhood. THere would be nights after my dad in a rage threw me out of the house. I got thrown out a lot. I never left the door only to look up at the night's sky and start talking to God. Asking him Why? Why all of this? What can I do? If I can do nothing why all of this? I don't consider just to live my life for experiences as enough to exist. I know I won't be getting any answers but I can't help wondering. I have a question for those out there. What would you choose, power to change the world, but to do so you'd have to do it blindly without knowing if your actions will only make things worse, or would you simply choose the knowledge but not being able to do anything with it? I want to help people but I selfishly want the answers. That is why I used to think non existance would have been better. In that aspects I know that death may not bring that. That is what I wish for, to never be a gleam in existance. Questions, too many questions, that is what beats me down. I can't exist without answers. That is what has beat me down. I know this is a lot to lay on diaryland readers. I don't expect a diary entry by God to appease my hunger for answers. I can just see the guestbook entry.

GOD: Hi Grant, this is God. Well the answer to your question is....(insert answer here). Oh and by the way, I love your Spectre picture and your new design.

Me: Damn, diaryland was shut down by George W Bush, along with my answer to the meaning of life! Noooooo, I am fortune's FOOL!