I just wrote a little while ago and was feeling a little down and alone. I have been listening to some music and thinking and you know what, fuck everyone. I am going to do things for me. First thing i'm going to do is jump out a plane. I don't care that 2 people just died. I don't care what signs show up. I feel fine with the decision and accept death if it comes. I'm willing to throw all my life away for a little life, freedom, breath of air. I am going to leave all those people who say they are my friends but don't show it, behind. I will let all those people crumble away. I will start by deleting all the email addresses as well as my old Juno account. I'll start with a blank email account. Second, I delete all the phone numbers in my cell. Why is this significant, I call or write everyone, I try to get together or call or write people who never write back or people I call who don't want to see me. I am not going to people and trying so hard putting myself for everyone to step on me and then I feel all sorry for myself, no more. Anyone who chooses to be my friend is going to have to meet me halfway. It's the end of me bending over backwards. It's the end of me checking my email hoping for a response and seeing I have 15 emails, none from friends, only porn site emails about Horsefucking or the best she males on the net. That's another reason I am just going to delete my email account, the mail is getting so bad. Nothing is more depressing than an email that is for shit like that and not one of it is something worthwhile or meaningful. No one knows how sad I have felt, why, no one talks to me, people only call me when they have boyfriend or girlfriend trouble, when they need someone to cry to. Stacy would cry to me and most of it was about the guy she was seeing. It was Dave the married guy long ago, and I had to endure all her inner turmoil. I was there to listen to her, I was her friend. I took her out to eat, I gave all my energies to cheering her up. I always did it too, nothing made me more happy than making her happy. With letting me in, I shared that I didn't like Dave cause he hurt her. I cared. Things when sour when I openly shared I didn't like him, and wished for her to see what he is doing to her. I sacrificed our friendship to show her I wished better for her, and didn't do anything to impede her from making the decision for herself. I got her slowly phasing me out of her life. I used my remaining meddling to make her see there was more, when she really did find love. It perhaps is cut in me deeper than I realize that I gave up everything for true love. I let her go and did everything to prevent our relationship to be as it was to make sure she'd be better off, I thought it was the least one could do for true love. I look back now and see that pattern in some form in my friendships and I am disgusted with myself. I am disgusted for giving so much, hoping for even a shred in return and getting nothing and feeling sorry for myself. Thankful for scraps, and getting nothing. Our friendship is so a shadow of what it was. I am tired of chasing the past. I think this is where now my anger comes from. I have allowed everyone close to me to hurt me all while forgiving them. But I look at all the little cuts and I am starting to find larger scars, that are building. When i thought of death it wasn't to hurt myself, I wished to hurt everyone. If people even cared I wanted my death on there hearts. I wanted to hurt them as they hurt me. But I realized that they didn't care and it wouldn't affect them as I would hope, I'd only end up dead. So I have decided, FUCK THEM! I will live and I won't give them anymore. The time of giving is over for me. They all killed what giving in me was left in me. It's funny cause an old friend was questioning my jumping, well I'm jumping and fuck everyone. I'm going to streak toward the ground and truly be in control for once.