I have no true friends in my life. That is how I feel. I am not sure but during the holidays I get phased out of everyone who I think cares about me, everyone I thought was a friend. I have to try so hard to fit in these peoples life and it shouldn't be like that. I am sad only because I have always been there for those I cared about and I never had anyone be there for me, like I've been there for my friends. What's worst whenever I speak with people I remember everything that goes on in their lives, I remember all the things about the person, cause I care. I feel I truly see people but no one sees me, I know I am probably being affected by the holiday blues but the facts always seem to slam me in the face around this time. I realize what I really wanted for Christmas, more than DVD's, or comics or what not, I wanted a friend. A friend that I mattered to, who wanted to be somewhere with me and just hang out. Someone I didn't coax or give have to heavily persuade to just come over and watch a stupid movie with me or play a stupid game for me. After all that has been said and done I just wanted someone to give me even a portion of what I was willing to give them and not have to beg for it. I never beg my friends , I drop subtle hints but no one cares enough to pick up on these things. I will renew my Christmas wish for my birthday. I think people want a relationship because they want something of what I am writing about, without the person being mom and dad, that give a rat's ass about you. Though I am in heat too and want that too I won't get into a relationship simply to satisfy my greatest want, a friend that cares as much about me as I them. Stacy and I worked so well for a time cause we filled that void, but of course there came a point she had no more need of me as much and wanted to move away and forward. THus I am left with only the ghost in my mind, alone again, my life has been a lonely journey, filled with visitors but no permanent residents. I know that's life but it's hard to deal with sometimes. To me friendships and relationships, people mean the most in life, it's why I think living is worth anything. I can't write anymore. I wonder how much more I must endure.