Not sure what happend but since I got back from Thanksgiving my entire energy and motivations has seemed to have gone south. I don't feel very inspired at the moment and I not sure what will get me back up. My school situation is getting worse. It is clear that this semester I simply didn't have the time or the energy to commit to it, and it really shows. It has me worried to the ramifications in the next month or so. I sort of just feel like letting school go for the remainder of the time and try to get back into it next semester. I hate a total collapse but I really don't want this carrying over to next semester. I am so stretched out with my time with work and school that I sort of am just wearing myself down. With the right amount of energy I can do fine but as the semester moves along things get worse. A missed class here to rest, a missed one there and it gets to be one whole fucking mess. As much as it might not be so bad I really wanted to move back home for a while. If only my father could grow up a little more and be more open minded and understanding I could be there next month. I get tired of being the bigger person in our relationship. Most of my life I have more or less been my own rock. My father was great at creating structure since I lacked any when I came to him from my mother but he never learned how to be my friend. That always made me kind of sad. I don't want to pry information from him, I'd love to know about how he was as a kid or things he likes but he doesn't share anything and I try but I often get no response. It takes two to make a relationship work. I love my father very much. Loosing my mom really strengthened my relationship with my father. I know that if my mom hadn't passed that I probably would have never known him. At the same time I hardly knew my mother. Most of the things that happened has to sort of speak for who I believed her to be. The things in my life has really shaped me. It makes me sad that I can't seem to get through to the ones I love the most. I don't know I think about this from time to time. Talking would be great if I weren't the only one speaking. It's truly a burden now that I tend to have to be the adult and see the reason and choose the decision that is right for the moment, I sort of wish my father would do that too. I can't go back home because it will cause too much friction in their house. ANd I have to consider my stepmother who is continuing her battle against cancer. And the reason there is friction is that my father is far to uptight and close minded at times. And I, well I can only see the possibilities. My father believse in action and results. I see roads and choices and like to go and make decisions as I see and try to make things clear and reason through the situation. I can and have chosen to be the differing personality in our relationships but that is not really me. I prefer to coexist but it is not really possible. I'd love to have a relationship where I didn't have to have so many secrets. I have many secrets from my father. I have to cater to what I see our his tastes and things that makes him uncomfortable and adjust and present that for him. It really is tiresome and I am just plain tired of it. Everything is weird to him. I like weird things and I accept it in me and I enjoy viewing of things that are less than ordinary. He on the otherhand cringes and judges it and considers it bad and something he won't deal with. In the end it is just sad I guess. I'm not sure if it's the holidays but I'm getting the blues. I think I am sort of just tired and feel weighed down. Perhaps I should just go jump out of a plane...Sky diving not suicide. I need to do something that is liberating.