I decided to do something nice and get out of my apartment. I got my comics and graphic novels went over to hell, I mean Starbucks. I paid the "MAN" in this case a nice girl, who had flirted with me and again this time. She remembered the shirt I wore the last time which was the subject of our last conversation and we talked about my shirt I wore tonight. It was pretty lame as far as conversations go, but nothing makes you feel better than someone who actually talks to you and remembers you. She was really nice, I think I might go back and ask her for coffee, maybe not, since she already works at Starbucks. Ice Cream maybe. Sorry I'm not more original. She was cute, she seemed really happy and I like that when I see a girl that is happy. I think too many times I'm going after the unhappy ones trying to help them. I realize it more now and I just realize that is not healthy. I miss Stacy sometimes. I miss how we would check out guys together. I sometimes think we could have been great together. If not for the whole not being attracted to me part she got really close to me emotionally. I try to let everyone close. I keep some things from people like my bisexuality from most people but once I am comfortable enough I tell everything. I really try not to hide who I am. Perhaps the only person who doesn't know me completely is my father. He told me if I was gay he would disown me, little knowing that I dabbled in the gay thing. Some might say I'm gay cause of that but it isn't true. I can say attraction wise I like both. But I have found from experience that a girl feels better. I like soft skin and soft faces. I love the smell of a women and I just have a different role with a woman, that I like and feel comfortable with. I've never found that with any many. It's just something I like to fantasize about but I think that is as far as it goes for me. I've tried it and gave it a shot and it didn't float my boat. I have no regrets. I only worry that when It comes to telling the girl I love about my journey, she won't be scared away by it. I feel really good right now. I'm alone but I feel like I have come to find some peace in my life. I see all the bad for what it is and I realize that it really has made me stronger. I realize I've been through a lot and I think I am a great person, not to sound conceited. I think my experiences have made me an undiscovered gem for someone to discover. I like myself and it is true that is where things begin. I don't need someone to make me happy and I don't want to be with someone to fix, at this point I am just looking to be happy with someone. Going off on a tangent, anyways while I was at Horebucks, I came across two men bonding with God. I have been in that scene and I have done that hole speaking in tongues with God and the praying and I have lived the born again Christian lifestyle. I went to a Catholic Elementary School sort of my religions cousin, I guess. Two religions so similar with only minor difference and focus. I never understand people and religion. I believe in God but I still question his existance. I question if he is good or evil or both or neither. What I concede, is that I really don't know anything about the subject, and I choose to simply try and follow, good judgement of what is right, and accept that I may not being doing right, but just do the best I can. I left behind my religious associations and just journey on my own, trusting my heart. I hope there is a god, it would make life more meaningful. Not to sound conceited but has anyone ever wondered if they could be God. Ever think that God decided to make Jesus or himself truly human and withheld the knoledge from the human form and just let the person live life. Perhaps we are all God at different times. It's something I was thinking about. I wonder a lot and I imagine things. I spend lots of time in my head thinking about the what if's and maybe's. I look around and I know life is a certain way and there is a grind to go through to make it. Is it for me though? My father feels like I am in Limbo in terms of a future and what not, and I am, but I don't feel the despair or the pressure to conform or find a place. I really have stopped thinking about death all the time and I think about the time I have here. I have healed myself and I am on my way to recovery. I am really happy and I feel strong. THere are so many uncertainties but I have found my own peace. I some times feel the world is very flawed and so much can go wrong and there is so much we can't control and we are very helpless. I really feel at times that there is not reason to go on but I went on anyways. I know there will be days I will feel that way but I know deep down I won't go until it is my time. It is not yet, I know I won't give up. I realize that I have enough pain to power me forward and that it slowed me down but that's all it can do. I am the only one who will defeat me. No one will defeat me except myself. I am thinking about Kristy, I wish I could share my clarity of thought with her. I have been reading a few diaries and I want to wish you all well. Smile, God Loves you. It's a sticker I got when my father and then, stepmother Sandy were getting divorced. The pastor gave me the sticker to cheer me up. It is so funny cause it is so stupid. I tell that to people I care about. It makes them smile. I like smiles. I wonder how Sandy is? They got divorced after I moved in with them. My mother died the year they got married and I moved in, in their first year of marriage. I blamed myself for a long time for my dads divorce to her. She wasn't ready for a family and truth is she wasn't ready for a marriage, neither of them were ready for each other or me. But things work out with time and I count myself lucky for my inner strength. I feel I'm special and I have an ego and I am me. I don't apologize for it. I love music cause I feel this strength in me and In my mind I can create such fantasies in my head that are for me. Music is a tool to focus streams of energy through. I really let my imagination flow like I was a kid. I never let that part of me go. I think I am very mature but I always made sure not to loose the child in me. I daydream as I did when I was younger. I hold onto the past but I use what I hold onto. I know my body won't be young forever but I will do my best to have my soul be young. I may bore people and get stale to them but as long as I am fresh for myself that is all that matters. I may escape a lot but I am alive so something must be right about how I choose to survive. People are the most interesting thing in the world. There are a lot of similarities and differences. We all want something and many times it is the same thing. Some of us find companionship and some of us search boundlessly for it. We all have our reasons. Writing this diary has really help me focus my thoughts. I lay in bed at night some night and just think. I often wish I had someone to just shoot thoughts with but I realize that I don't need that. It'd be nice but I can survive and have survived without it. If I died tonight I can say that I have no regrets. I put my spiritual well being always in the front. The focus of life is so much on our careers and what we make of it but none of it focuses on people and our relationships and simply finding some peace. Gratification and awards are given for accomplishments not for finding peace within oneself. We all go out of our ways to establish a tangible representations of ourselves and appearance to others. We neglect our feelings and go after what we can show others, never considering to go with what is inside. There is no payoff when going for what only you can see. Only you know you've found peace. You can't show it off. We spend so much time seeking things we can show off to the world. Hey look at me I am happy. I got happy right here. But only we can find and see it. I operate in the same world and I will falter and will loose my peace but I will find it again. It isn't easy to keep this feeling going, the world is just not set up right. People talk about changing the world. No one can. You can only change yourself or work on yourself. I do the best i can not to make comprimises to making choices based on my feelings. I choose to go through with friendships and relationships knowing I will probably not get back what I want but to me it is right. I will do my best to be as open minded as I can and just be a good person. Religious or political affiliations come and go. The only thing that matters is that I follow my heart and trust myself and my choices. Remember everyone smile God Loves you!