I think I just might be a complete wreck. There is something really wrong, I'm seeing love everywhere and the hard part is I don't know anymore which is real and which is being projected. Does that make any sense. I think maybe I want to be in a relationship so bad that everything is looking good, well not everything. But each week there seems to be someone else that peaks my interests. I have decided one thing, and that is no internet romances for me. It is so easy to build up an imaginary ideal, of someone you could like. Sure this person can have common interest, which are rare, or they can be really funny, or good at writing you emails that make you laugh and vice versa. I have simply decided that is a line I'm drawing for myself. Unless I meet the person in person and spend some time with them, I am not making a decisions based on intuition alone. That said, I do think I'm nuts. Vicky has been in my mind and in my dreams. I have been having these dreams about her that really bother me. Last night I dreamed I was talking to her about my concern about her drinking and then she started hitting on me. To be honest with myself, before I went on this liking someone constantly, I admit a part of me is really attracted to her. But I was very bothered by what I saw the other night. Like I said, I don't know if, how I feel is real, or if I can trust my feelings right now. When I like people, it is usally this spark I see in people, and I have been seeing it a lot lately so I don't know what to make of it. I don't trust myself to actually pursuing or exploring my possible feelings for Vicky because I don't know if I have these feelings for the right reason. And to be honest I don't want to go into a relationship trying to be an emotional support. I feel I've fallen into that trap before and it never ends up with me really finding love. In any case there is no relationship of that type to speak of, we are simply friends and to be honest not that close. Plus she already has a boyfriend and I am also try not to make a habit of going after unavailable girls. I enjoy talking to her though and she has a great heart. I sense some sadness too, and I am wondering if I'm attracted to people's pain ? I make things far too hard and I am probably making everything more complicated than it needs to be. The safest bet right now is to not act on my feelings and just see where and how things play out. In my dream as I was trying to help Vicky and talk and listen to her, she started coming on to me. I feel the worst and most guilty about this feeling, but I liked it and wanted to go farther but I could not bring myself to doing any wrong and I made it stop. She was vulnerable and though, It felt good to get an affectionate response I couldn't bring myself to allow it to go further. In my dream I felt to allow it to go any further would be taking advantage of her. She said something about her boyfriend in real life when she was drunk that popped up in my dream. Vicky said, " Eric won't fuck me when I'm like this cause he thinks he's taking advantage of me" Here is the thing, I think sometimes people are so much more attractive when they are drunk because they're safeguards aren't on. In that I mean they don't hold back and are pretty blunt. I think a great deal of truth is allowed to come out, not always but I feel sometimes things we supress surface. I think I really like the openess of people. But people's judgement are impaired and that is where I would feel guilty with proceeding on acting. People are vulnerable and not in control so you really can't do anything. But why do anything anyways cause the person they are projecting isn't them anyways or is it? My conscience is so strong that If I were to do anything I considered wrong I would be strongly haunted. I send myself so much guilt that I am able to resist. Deep down most people think I'm a great person but I think I am only able to be good because my guilt is so strong. I guess there is good and bad sides to guilt. I really don't want to lose that because I don't know what I'd be capable of doing without it. I look at myself sometimes and I do hate myself because I think I am not the good person I'd like to be and the only reason I don't do bad is because my guilt hasn't allowed me to. I am a good friend and a good listener but because of that I too wonder what real motives lay underneath. I'm hoping there is none and It's that I care. God there is something to write about. I really do think I am attracted to pain. That is a fucked up desire, don't I have enough of my own not to want anyone else's? Why do I want this? At this point it's all conjecture on what I want. I can only go on my feelings and what I see. I do know this, I want a girl to make me smile. And I want a girl to be herself but have some kind of special spark in her eyes, I want someone who wants to live. I want someone who wants the same from me. I think I have been spending far too many journal entries obsessing over love and relationships and going over how screwed up I think I can be. I'm going to try to shift my focus in the following entries while still keeping honest to what is on my mind.