Well the Karaoke party wasn't what I had hoped for. I came to see something that makes me sort of sad. It is the thing that makes me lose hope sometimes. I saw people I care about get smashed, but I think sometimes in that state, people's true dispair comes out. As I may have mentioned my mother and grandmother were drunks. My mother did a lot of things, and I remember so much. I remember how much sadness I saw. THe worst thing in my life is that I am, and have always been aware of people's pain. It's what makes me a good friend, I've always been the guy who really sees people. I am not the greatest but I am pretty perceptive. I have been known to project now and then, but for the most part I recognize pain and despair. I have my own, but I have never let it get to where my mother let it. The thing with me is that I have always been close enough to people to help them. Tonight quite a bit of people got wasted tonight. I'm not judgemental or would I stand in a person's way. I think everyone needs to make there own choices and in the end only that person can make decisions for themselves. You can only support the people you care about. It's makes me sad that one's support and love may not ever be enough to help those you love and care about. Zach (not Stacy's Zack) was the first to go. Then there was Vicky. I have gotten to know her and for the most part I have always liked her, not in the romantic sense but I like being around her, there is a great girl there. She has a boyfriend who I think she doesn't really love. I hear this thing in her voice sometimes and I think part of her is settling because she doesn't think she could ever be with the men she loves. I'm not sure which she secretly seeks. There is Kale who is still a boy seeking to be man. He is smart in some senses because he keeps everyone at arms length but I sense part of him has grown and secretly wants some acceptance and closeness, but don't we all. Then there is Travis her roomie who is gay. I might have seen him at hot topics the other night. He was in the turquiose like color wig and lip liner. He seems like a really complicated and interesting person. I think in some way she loves him, though it is something that won't ever happen cause he is gay. Why do some women love Gay men? Is there something women are trying to protect themselves from? Why do they go after the one's, most likely to hurt them or the one's that are unavailable. I think women are so much stronger than they think but many women, I think make foolish decisions, as do men, we all do. Tonight I saw my mother in Vicky and it really haunted me. There is this infinite sadness that I see and I think there is nothing I can do and it kills me sometimes that I'm not able to help. 6 years old, 23 years old, I can't change the outcome. I often wish I could people what strength I had to battle their demons. The thing that strikes me is that in the end I was the oldest there, perhaps everyone is just getting their young adult oates out of the way but I think it is a turning point for all my coworkers and friends. THey will either overcome their demons or else this will be the demon that eventually slays them. If I am ever to be with someone I think I need them to be strong, not so that I can lean on them but so I know that I am not only there to save them. I think I need to stop getting into relationships because my heart wants to fix them, cause I can't and even if I am able to help, it leads nowhere. I have never gotten drunk, done drugs, or any of the vices that killed my mother. These are my weaknesses: I over think, I am too sensitive at times, I'm stubborn, I have the hardest time letting go, I allow myself not to forget my past, I move on but someone there is always a lingering effect, and I'm human. My escape is music and my daydreams. My strength as an artist comes from this my ability to daydream and escape in my own mind. I don't know if people do this but I do this often if not always I allow my mind to fly wildly with dreams and possibility. It's sort of like an AVS sometimes where I can project trippy winamp affects in my mind. I don't like to share this with people but I still have fantasies like I had as a child of saving people and being a superhero or things of that nature. In some sense I have kept my inner child alive although sometimes I feel the hope aspect goes on life support sometimes, like tonight. Perhaps I have to just let this one go. THere is Leilani this other girl who didn't show up for work. I saw her on Thursday night after we all finished work. She was a no show for work today. We tried calling her but were unable to reach her. I have a bad feeling something happened to her. The things is no one really noticed. I think I am one of the only person that is worried. I'm not really close to her but I get the sense she is not the type to simply disappear. We all get caught up so much in our lives that we miss the problems others have. Is everyone so occupied with themselves that we really can't help anyone but ourselves? I must sound so stupid to someone out there, I consider I might be but I am me and I have to simply be me and hopefully use whatever gift I do have to help. I think the loss of hope should be humanities main focus not terrorism and war. I admit i am loosing hope with each passing day. There is no way to fight despair, it's an individual battle. Things will only get worst as more people lose hope. Below is the results of a personality test I took.
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