I've been thinking, my journals are so heavy and not lite. Actually I've been pretty heavy when it comes to my thoughts. I sort of feel bad sometimes because, I think I have more or less, worn out all my friends. It's sort of why I started to write these. I have been pretty obsessed with finding love or thinking I have found it. I still think I could have a really good future with someone, but I realize that neither of us would be good to launch anything at this point. Perhaps passing up on things would be the best, and if things are ever meant to be, It could happen, but it is nothing we should worry about now. On another note my parents asked if I'd like to move back into a portion of the house they'd convert into room. I'd be paying rent but instead of to some landlord it'd be my family. There are a lot of reasons not to go back but there are reasons I think I must for a short time. My stepmother is still battling cancer and time spent home would be good now. I know that if I don't go back now and at least work on my relationship with my father now than later will be too late, and I don't want to be denied properly making my peace with him, as I was with my mother when she passed. Perhaps I feel so heavy because I always deal with heavy stuff. It's sometimes easier for me to help and deal with other peoples stuff because it doesn't feel so bad, not as bad as my own problems sometimes feel. To be honest it would be a good way to recoup when it comes to my finances. Being completely independant as soon as hitting college but with a great affinnity towards spending money is kind of hard. I think it'd really be hard in terms of privacy. THe funniest thing in my life is, that the only time I ever brought a girl over and was having a serious relationship was when I was at home. As soon as I was on my own and at my own place I seemed completely unable to take advantage of not having to tip toe around.

I plan on bleaching my hair blond again. Most people thought I looked gay but I don't care. For someone who people thought was gay, it was probably the only moment I really felt noticed by girls. Actually my hair was green then, but having 2 girls hitting on you and rubbing their legs against yours under the table says something. I have to say I am ebarrassed about that cause I sort of froze and didn't respond to either. I know it's stupid but they both were two different girl types that I liked and at that moment I couldn't decide which I liked more. I hate to compare women to a dish but it was like trying to choose between my 2 favorite dishes.

You know, there are so many men who can't express their feelings, my father is like that, it's sort of where we clash and where I come to feel really sad, in our relationships. i know there is great life to him and he has thoughts but he is simply unable to share them while I often hold back because he seems unable to relate or react to all the feelings I show him. It's all very intriguing, perhaps someone should do a study on me. <