Spending time with Stacy I realize I still have a great love for her. Our relationship has so much meaning with me. There is a lot of memories and ghosts with us. the part I sometimes have problems with is that through helping her and being her friend and caring I set up to lose her. I am happy I helped her in her time of need but I see what I have left for myself and I have to just live with it. I am left with the memories of our friendships and what it once was. I wonder if I set myself to be the doormat of relationships. I have always been good at helping my friends and being there but sometimes I just sit in my car and I realize I am incredibly sad. People always show concern when I am not smiling, I am sort of that guy everyone thinks is always happy. For the most part I make myself feel happy. But there are a lot of times I realize I am incredibly sad and that deep down I'm hoping to find someone to save me. BUt I know there isn't anyone to do tha. I have to save myself and try to stop trying to save everyone else. I love the whole Batman mythos because I really feel it. There is this drive to ammend a loss that one can never have prevented. There is a great deal of self mutilation in the emotional sense with Batman. I think I do that by putting myself in relationships where I will give everything, even my heart to save people I love. But the problem is that they don't love me and can't love me in the same manner. Obviously I'm only going to get hurt. I have always been amazed that I haven't given up on life. They're is a great temptation but people know if they will truly throw in the towel and I'm not. The hardest thing and the thing that seems to haunt me is how alone I have been. When my mother died all I could remember is the door of our apartment buildingm the only thing standing between and my dead mother, and me screaming at the top of my lungs. The sounds of me kicking and punching the door till I had no more energy to do so for over 2 hours and no one, no one coming out to see if I was ok or even what was going on. I feel my life is such a microcosm of that moment. I may sound suicidal but I know I won't do it. I thought about dying that night my mother died and many times afterwards. I was only six and I had no confirmation just my sixth sense telling me she was gone and never coming back. I keep the those feelings close to me but it has not broken me then and I know it won't now. It's bothers me sometimes that such trivial things bother me when I have faced the real pain and things to worry about. Everything bad that can happen to person has happened yet no one would guess unless I tell them. I hate laying my ghost on other people, it is a real downer and what can people say in response. I realize though somewhere there is someone who has had it worst and it is hard to imagine that person bearing it, but I know someone has pecerviered. My main fault and possible one of the very things keeping me going is my ability to imagine, daydream, or just dream. It is why I love theatre so much. My father has countlessly pointed out my tendencies escaping into my dreams. It is the one thing I have left that protects me and allows me to feel happy. THere is a question, we live in a sort of escapist world, with movies and music and what not, there's is a great power that can do great good but that very thing that can help and protect can just the same destoy us, so is it better to live in a world without all of it?

Back to Stacy, i have done a great deal to let go but there are ways that I still allow it hurt me. It bothers me that I do have the greatest love for someone who in the end really didn't love me. Why am I doing this to myself, why do I always do that. I don't know what I would do if I loved someone who actually loves me. I don't know that I will allow something like that to happen. What truly stands out in my mind is that out of my greatest pain and flaw comes my greatest tool to helping people. I still I am partly accomplishing my child hood dream. Most kids dream of being of doctors I dreamed of being a force, something that changed the world and people and not just a person or an occupation. We all want to be someone and have some part in this world. It's a tough world and a difficult task, I guess I just have to live and find out how things work out.