They made me do this Stress test...and I have near a typeA personality whatever that means. So i have to do all these things to try to relax and at the same time evaluate if i am and am continuing to grind my teeth...we'll see.
dental health aside... i was talking to someone today about the journey so far...being in the army.
Truth is, despite the ups and downs, my experience has turned out how i planned for it and in some ways better. I had goals and they are being met.
The only emtpy spot right now is in my personal life.
When I was taking that stress test, that area of my life is the only part that stresses me, I have wanted something in my life a long time and i know what I've wanted...but haven't seen any sign of it.
I find that I can't overlook the good in my life. I realize i've been sailing along the currents of life and I have stopped going against the currents as I had for so many years.
Sometimes I feel that in my life, I succeed only because I 've gone such a long distance alone... i know myself and honestly I feel had I found contentment in love long ago..i would never had made it this far, but through the many years alone, have I been allowed to make it this far. There has been so many times where my pursuit for love has given me liscense to not care about where my life is headed.
It shouldn't have to be, but love and success has never gone hand in hand. I have seen the patterns in my life, when i love I neglect my life...i am like one of those dogs with the funnels on their heads...I lose all my sight.
I am of two schools of thoughts. I long for companionship and love and the other part of me wants so greatly to complete the course I started and I know my heart can't focus on what needs to be done when love is in sight.
Ok I am not on some great mission to save the world...but in my life i want to continue succesfully and continue improving as a person. I want to fulfill my potential...but don't we all.
I have seen myself shrink in love...i have seen myself toss my identity away. i've seen my drive dissolve.
Who knows though....that was who i used to be...perhaps I have learned to better balance things.
OK onto other subjects...I talked with my father...it is getting increasingly more difficult to talk to him. He is very frustrated with his life and there is nothing i can do, but it is putting an extreme strain on our relationship. We can't talk without him throwing a fit...he is such a diva or divo...whip it good.
I saw a car accident today, a guy on a shoulder tried to do a U turn not 2 feet from me and got hit by the uncoming traffic. It was loud...no one was hurt...but the guy who did the U turn was pissed off.
I went to the library and found an IZ CD to my surprise. Haven't listened to any local music in a long time.
I miss Hawaii.