Sometimes I wonder if that is a problem. I am a lot more resilient to effects of being alone and on my own. I am a lot more mature you could say. Sometimes I wish I didn't rationalize everything and make sense of everything. I used to hate that I'd feel so much and think over things so much. I still over think things but now i've found a way to use that. It's weird because I've gotten so good at it that now I don't feel anything and now I miss just feeling.

I have changed since I've been in the military and I worry and perhaps even fear that maybe i've changed in a way that I didn't wish too.

I do hate that I have not really developed and meaningful relationship or friendships here at Fort polk.

Even though throughout my time in training the one part that made it all bearable was the sense of friendship and solidarity.

THe regular army is more like life. You're pretty much back on your own and every man for themselves.

It amazes me that I personally have bought into a system where i've handed such power over my life to someone who may have a little shinny emblem on their collar.

I think back a lot on past relationship and it amazes me that as my life progresses there seems more abundant relationships and friendships to reminiss on.

Like I said i am not upset or even depressed that my life is currently at a stop, relationship-wise. This is something different. It is the seclusion i felt i wanted in my life. It is different though. I am alone but not in a situation where I would feel alone. It's just an average situation where i am spending time alone.

A period Without overly dramatic feelings of loneliness. Perhaps i should use this time. Maybe i need this time to get away from such a tumultous period.

God knows i'll need it. Who knows what lays before me once i get deployed.

Who knows where politics will take me. I know what i did. I put myself somewhere that I felt i'd learn something. A life lesson.

I may or may not get more than i bargained for. I took a chance.

Played a game with myself as a chip. Something I haven't ever done.

I have no one to blame.

I will try not to forget that.