(LIGHTS UP. SAINT MATHEW�s church. MAX is among the many people standing in line at the center eisle of the church, ready to pay there last respects to the dead. MAX is dressed up in a clown outfit along with very heavy clown makeup. MAX taps the shoulder of TED who is in front of him)
MAX- Excuse me. Do you have the time?
TED-(looks at watch) Um.
(turns around)
Whoa! Geez man this is a funeral for crying out loud!
MAX-Excuse me? Is that some sort of new time telling terminalogy?
TED-This is a funeral not a circus.
MAX- Tell me about it. Well do you have the time or what?
TED-So do you have anything to say in your defense?
MAX- I�m guilty as sin. Hey you�re not with the IRS are you?
TED- What? IRS? What in the world are you talking about?
MAX- (points forward)Hey the line is moving. You better move it, or else the natives behind us will get restless.
(TED turns around and moves forward)
So do you have the time?
TED- (turns around)It�s a quarter to nine.
MAX-You know the guy Joe....
TED-You mean the man whose funeral you are attending.
MAX- Yeah him. He�s been dead for thirteen days six hours and fifty five minutes.
TED- What?
MAX- (points forward) Um the line is moving again.
TED- Uh, right.
(turns around, moves forward and turns around)
Look, I have to ask,what is with that getup?
MAX- I�ll answer that in a minute but first tell me...
TED- Ted. The name is Ted.
MAX-Right Fred.
TED-No, it's Ted. Ted with a T. Not Fred.
MAX-Whatever. So tell me, are you a friend of foe of the deceased.
TED- Neither, I�m family. I am his cousin.
( MAX points forward again. TED turns and moves )
I know I�m moving.
MAX- So your cousin Ed.
TED-Yeah whatever. So are you going to tell me why you�re dressed the way you are?
MAX- Well you see my friend Joe hired me before he died
(MAX points forward. TED turns around)
TED- Hired you? For what?
MAX- (pulls out a pistol from under his clown costume and points it at TED�s head. Shoots TED)
To shoot you of course silly.
TED- (starts to turn around)
Wha�.
(TED�s head is hit and he falls to the ground. MAX- (looks at the little old lady sitting in the front right pew)
Oh what? You all look like someone just died. What is this, a funeral?
(MAX runs towards the exit but stops at the entrance,
faces and addresses the horrified crowd)
Well thanks for the invite, we simply must do this again sometime. I�ll have my people call your people. Hopefully we can congregate on a more joyous occasion. If anyone�s interested, I also do birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and Irish wakes. So anyone interested? No? Oh well, tough crowd.
(MAX exits)
END OF SCENE