But enough on that. My step mother told me my dad got in a car accident last week. It was his fault. He was driving in the rain, talking on his cell phone and ran a red light and hit another car. He is ok and the person in the car is ok, but his truck is in bad shape. I am thankful my father is ok. I guess, I hate the idea of something almost happening to my father. As I have mentioned before, when my mother died when I was a child, I went to live with my father. And for a great amount of time in my childhood, I constantly worried my father would die and leave me as well. It's really a paranoid fear and bad to be worrying and expecting the worst when I should be wishing for the best and being thankful for having it.
When I used to have suicidal thoughts in the past, some of my reasoning for it would be, that I would never have to endure loosing him. Though over time I realized that would be a very selfish reason based on that thinking and i would only cause him the pain I was running away from. In the end I just have to let the cards fall as they do and not cause anything to happen. Anyways I don't know if I say this enough, I love my father. For all the good and bad, I love him dearly. Loosing him without a doubt would devistate me more than my mothers death because I have known my father for much longer than I did my mother. And also because it was he who took care of me at that time and he who really never abandoned me and always thought of my well being. My father has some real flaws but I love him. Some of those flaws make me sad that he can never really know me completely. Sometimes I wonder if I love him so much and I think the greatest of him, why not tell him everything, why feel the need to hide things in my life. I really don't know.
During my childhood when so many bad things happened to me I used to think that I was very much like a dramatic character who was pushed to the brink of living. I was often put in situations, and had I been a character in a play, I might yell out, � I am fortunes fool.� When bad things happen to me it seems to happen all at once, and somehow I often feel as if I was somehow responsible for my own peril, if only for breathing the wrong way or standing in the wrong spot. I should have known better. Though my childhood was mired in loss and grief, I had a lot of happy moments and things to be thankful. My father was a great part of that.
I love the man. I am thankful I didn't lose him last week.