Well like I said I was going to look back at my diary.
So what were the main things in my life since I wrote my diary, well....
Of course when I started this I was still in school. I was feeling very bummed because I was just starting out living away from my roommate of 3 years who I had feelings for. Our friendship had crumbled and at this point most of my friends were gone and I hadn't quite adjusted to my life, so I was very depressed. My early entries sort of showed me dwelling on that fact and trying to deny a lot of it as well.
I eventually got better but not before having moments of up and downs. I then started wondering if I was biopolar because I am usually such a happy person but I found myself always down and depressed. Then there was the whole Joker for Halloween thing
And then there was my whole Life Questioning and wondering if I should just end my life. That eventually got worked out some, but still I admit some of those feelings still linger.
Then came Viva, a crush I mentioned a few times and eventually she came to me and from there, came the ups and downs of being in a relationship.
I finally had a true intimate moment with someone. Life was going well as I only drove myself to financial ruins. She eventually met another guy and suddenly I was toast.
The weeks, months, and what not were not my favorite times to think back on. I had a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of feelings to overcome. I had fallen heads over heals from someone that more or less crushed my heart into oblivion.
Even now I still think about all these things.
Reading my entries I see an up and down pattern with my parents. Life seems very up and down with me.
I see how unhappy I was in school and working at the library. I see how much has happened at my other place of work but I see now that it's time to go.
And there is my moment of change entry when I joined the army. And then there is now, me waiting to go but having to work my ass off till March, when I leave.
And who can forget my colorful diary characters who when I think about it, I haven't used in a while. Let's see there is Lefty and Mighty Righty and of course Big Member Jesus.
Lefty and Mighty Righty, my alter ego testicle characters and Big Member Jesus, my bigger than life Porn Star persona. Perhaps it's time to resurrect old friends.
And as always there were the ever presence of my love for comic books, movies, and lame reality television shows.
There is also my longstanding loneliness, which with time I have learned to cope with. Actually now that I think about all this, that is what makes me sad. Not because my life isn't what I always imagined it to be, although that is part of it, but because the love I envisioned in my life is so far lacking. I am not only speaking of people who love me, but people that I love, and can express that love for. I haven't made the bonds in life that I always expected would be there. In some regards I can't deal with what a lonely journey life is. I can't stand that no matter what, no matter even if you think you've love in a relationships, there is always this sense of individuality and oneness that can't be shaken or overcome. Even in love, the reality hunts you down and strips any momentary illusions from you.
I used to imagine as a child that humans could overcome their fate as flawed beings. I truly believed we could finally see our errors and try to change. I also believed in a God that would see that we truly are redeemable and worth the life that was intended us, but the world isn't like that, and I realize that now. I think I was always hoping a great change would come and would be recognized. I am having the most trouble dealing with the fact not only that the world can't change but I can't change what is in my control. It's as if I was always a child, and I always had that unrelenting hope and now that it's gone, I can't deal with the worlds true nature.
My entries show me who I am, and how I have lived. It has also showed me that my thoughts have such little power. I guess because there are so many thoughts all worth the attention and consideration. I am just a silly boy, who just can't deal with life, as it truly is.
I hate to be the rain on the parade, but lately I have truly felt like the boy who lost his hope. And though I am not contemplating death, I do find myself questioning, what do I live for, and how much is it worth to me.
I am not in the best place right now. At this point all I have left are my childhood daydreams. I am left only with imagining worlds with superheros where it will still be possible for life to really change, a place where the possibilities are abundant.