For tonight I just wanted to write about tonight and what I have been thinking about.

I am happy and sad to be back. I missed the beaches, my computer, hiking and the outdoors, and my alone time.

I will miss in Vegas, My Grandmother, not paying for meals, running away from my life for a while, the themed Casinos, the different culture and energy of the city.

I spent the night reading emails, not too many after all I no longer have any one other than a handful of diarylanders who write me or leave me nice little notes.

I spent most the night deleting junk mail and catching up on people's diary.

Viva called tonight well she and I have been phone buddies this whole week.

Is it possible to have one foot in the I miss you door and the other foot in the I am finally moving on and am ok without you door. I got her to tell me the at one thing she was going to tell me one day and not now. She told me she loved me as much as I loved her and she missed in me what I missed in her. She told me she doesn't know what made her run. Viva told me that deep down she wanted to be my girlfriend and one day my wife. But She ran and now friendship between us sometimes seems hard between two people that still have so much feeling. But I have given in to the fact that I have no choice but to move on. I realize I'm not the one who ran so I don't have the ability to change her, and I really don't see her coming back and I have stopped expecting her to return, so that's what's changed. Her telling me that helped me more than I can say, I at least know that the love wasn't a dream, it was real and for no reason that i can really explain, it wasn't my undoing and it wasn't something I imagined, I found comfort in knowing that in that short time, it was real.

On a lighter note, one thing I was happy to do finally... was masturbate when I got home. That might sound completely nasty and perhaps I don't need to be broadcasting this to the world but it was such a release tonight. It actually came to mind towards the end of the trip that, hey I wasn't paying attention to Lefty and Mighty Righty and Friends.

There just wasn't time in Las Vegas to do such things plus sharing rooms puts the whole privacy thing out the window. It was sort of like being in a relationship with no release... all over again...ha!

I am in decent spirits tonight. I also was watching things I taped during the week... like the BRAVO channels "Boy meets Boy." and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" "QEFTSG" is hands down one of the most entertaining shows on TV. I taped other things but that sort of is what I ended on, and I am laughing my ass off the whole night.

Tomorrow the recap will come.